Ewey's Blog Town

Ewey's Vacay Part 2!

2009-08-12T12:52:00.013-04:00

Hey there people! Here is the second installment of my vacay. This is my jont to Cape Breton. Thanks for chuggin' through the vids with me. I know some are lengthy but be sure to check the last video as I wrap it all up! I have a few more days of vacation left and I plan on just relaxing.

Peace out for now truckers!

Ewey's Vacay Starting With PEI

2009-08-11T23:08:00.022-04:00

Hey Folks!

It's been a while but I'm back. This time with pictures AND video!!!!

I'm rocking my new Blackberry Storm and have decided to video whatever I can.

This last week involved Kevin and Amy's wedding in beautiful Rustico PEI. Following that, my trip over to Cape Breton for some family visiting.

What I have done is recorded certain moments along the way. Mostly because I can capture the moment at hand and be able to explain it rather than type it. This does not mean I will stop writing. That's what i love to do! But why not some video, right?

Anyway, I will be uploading installments of the wedding and another post for Cape Breton. Just click on the video to watch!

ENJOY!

Love,

Ewey

An Express Message From Earth

2009-07-12T19:54:00.015-04:00

Enclosed is some extra money for the trip to get this to Matthew.....

Hey Matt,

I'm glad you received this message. It cost me like 8 bajillion dollars to make sure it made it safe. Luckily Fed Ex had a special on for messages directly to you.

I got the news this morning man. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you!

I know it's been a month or so since we last talked. I guess as we grow up, it does get hectic and harder to see each other.

All I've been doing today is remembering our lives together as we grew up.

Hey! Do you remember the time that You, Geoff, and I went to that completely insane/awesome toy store and Grandma bought us plastic swords and ninja jammy jams? We all practiced our super power ninja capabilities! Sadly, I was the smallest ninja so I took the brunt of the battle. Grandma said boys will be boys and Grandad said don't put any holes in my walls! But I'm sure he really didn't mind us horsing around.

It rained today Matt. It rained for you.

I decided to pull over by an old baseball field that Geoff and I use to play on. Mostly because it gave me fond memories of being a kid and being happy and care free. Everyone needs a happy place.

At any rate, I just sat there on the bleachers and thought about you. I thought about our family and how many people are hurting inside.

It's kind of funny how people associate rain with sadness. That's what I did. I felt every little drop of sadness that fell from the clouds onto the back of my neck. I told myself it was raining for you.

I got back in my car and turned my wipers on and drove for a little bit. Not long after that, I saw the sun from behind the clouds. I figured you found a new happy place. I'm glad you did. When I got out of my car, the warm sun on my face made me feel better because I knew you were there.

Much like the rain feeds the flowers and the sun helps them grow, you have loved, you have helped us grow.

Even though I won't be seeing you just yet, you should know that all of our hearts are bigger because of you. The love you gave as a son, a grandson, a brother, an uncle, a cousin, a friend, will always keep our hearts healthy and strong.

Matt, I just wanted to wish you well and tell you we are all thinking of you!

Oh, and check the envelope again. I put in an extra 5 for a beer on me!

Love your little cousin,

Christopher

Orchid Vaginas, Dirty Moustache Rides, And Green Beer

2009-03-15T22:47:00.008-04:00

Well, this is what happens when you take a small sabbatical from your blog.....

I apologize folks! As of late I've been keeping busy with extra curricular activities. I did a little Sunday shopping today. Sorry if you don't agree with it. I didn't at first, but man.... It REALLY is much more convenient for me to shop Sunday!

Anyhoo, after a visit to my friends in a small little Celtic shop in Spring Garden Place, I found myself in the middle of a Orchid Convention!!! Not that I really knew anything about orchids, nor had any previous desire to know more about a specific plant or flower. What I did find out is that these people take orchid growing so seriously and to the extreme, it should be an extreme sport.

Among seeing some of the most amazing and unfathomable orchid growing talent this side of the old bell tower, I got a floor seat to see which growers had beef with the other growers. Some people were pointed out to me, and were said to have 'no eye for a good orchid' AND 'her arrangements make me want to drop my petals.' Whatever that meant :?

I could feel the tension in the room.... It was like being in a staring crossfire between the crips and the bloods!

I moved on to another station with a wonderful arrangement. The lady viewing the orchids along side of me could have easily have been my Grandmother, then proceeded to explaine to me in detail how an orchid is like a vagina.

Yes, it's true! A thin lipped Va-J J....

OK.... Maybe I can see where she is coming from, but explain this one below!

I don't know whether to pee in the sac and flush or pull away for fear of a dirty Mexican moustache ride....

At any rate, enough about orchids!

St Paddy's Day is soon here and I dare say there will be some doozie pics of the event! So save your energy folks, and I hope you all have a green beer or more!

CHEERS!!!!

Ewey

A Thrillemic Weekend!!!

2009-01-13T18:56:00.008-05:00

I've had one helluva weekend folks! It started off with a screening of 1992's "Army of Darkness".

Hosted by local film fanatics Jason Eisener, Mark Palermo, Stephen Cooke, Zach Tovey, John Davies, Rob Cotterill at the Empire 6 Cinema in Dartmouth. <----Directly copied and pasted from their Facebook page, which you should check out people!!!!! Search for "The Thrillema"..... People, if you love classic movies, outrageous movies, and even slightly sadistic movies, you must join this group! As a matter of fact, the next movie to be showing is Robocop!!!! Yes, I did say it.... Robocop!!!! These guys are doing amazing work to bring back so many of our favorite movies back to the big screen and packing the theater with people who could not be more excited to watch these classics. Accomplished individuals themselves, they seem to be striking a rock note with everyone because of their movie choices... Which I'm sure can not be an easy decision. Their Mission You Ask? It is as follows: "Our mission is to bring together the Halifax/Dartmouth film watching community to gather and watch 35mm prints of some of our favorite movies." <--- Again, directly copied and pasted from the Facebook Group. Damn fine mission boys! Check it again guys ---> 'The Thrillema' on Facebook!

AND THEN..... took off to PEI on Friday evening for a random adventure with some great friends. I refuse to post pictures because it started out by dry humping the giant blueberry in Oxford. Folks, it didn't get any prettier from there.....

AND THEN..... I had the Monday off, so Good Old Zwickster and I went shopping for a new home theater, Eff you all up in your face, system.... Pretty bad ass series. I hope you and Amy love it!

AND THEN..... 24 <----The best show on earth!!! I end it here because I will be preparing a post on how much you smell like Vienna Sausage if you don't watch 24. Take a hint... Watch 24
5 Ewey points to the following people for this weekend: Jason, Megan, Zwick, Amy, Jamie, Jennie, Keith, Tom, Rob, Titty-Tat, and the crew from The Thrillema!

Once you have earned 30 Ewey points, you may redeem them for a drunk night with me!
Not refundable for cash, only Canadian Tire money. Valid only in Halifax because anything outside of it, I consider venturing. I don't like to venture.

Mostly yours,

Ewey

Frank Magazine.... Is It Worth Stealing?

2009-01-07T17:23:00.005-05:00

Everyday I make it to a gas station or somewhere that has Frank Magazine stand. And everyday I read the cover from a safe distance for fear of someone ridiculing me for touching it. I've heard some nasty reviews from people that have been personally offended from a previous issue. But I also am taunted by it for the hilarity I sometimes see on the cover.

Mostly because I see Steve Murphy from the CTV News on the cover, grinning at me from week to week. I still have to investigate this matter, but it does seem like Good Ole' Steve has struck a chord with Frank. For some reason, I get the feeling it's for a non-favorable reason.

I read the first few chapters of Steve Murphy's book 'Before The Cameras", while at some sort of party. In hindsight, the party must have been pretty damn craptacular to read a book.....

At any rate, I've been tempted to take one off of the shelf and slide it into my back pocket, while no one is looking, to give it a good read. Yes, I frequently steal items that have a value of less than 3 dollars.

The only reason I am tempted by this bright covered, flimsy paged magazine is because from time to time, I burst out in laughter in a line-up and have to try and explain what made me laugh hard enough to warrant a shamWOW urine cleanup.

Someone once told me I should write for Frank Magazine, but at that time I wasn't sure if it was an insult or a compliment.

So, tomorrow morning when I go to grab my morning coffee and pack of three trojan condoms that I hide in random places I go throughout the course of my day, I will be stealing a Frank Magazine to see what is actually behind the cover. I urge you all to steal one as well, and let me know your thoughts. I also urge you to buy condoms and hide them in funny places. A friends top right desk drawer, throw one in the back seat of your buddies car so his girlfriend can find it later, or even just throw a thumb tack through one and stick it to someones ceiling. Maybe someday it will get lost in the shuffle, after being found, be used, and then you can congratulate someone on their unsuspecting pregnancy.

I apologize to some of you for going behind your backs and reading this magazine you loathe, but curiosity is something I thrive on and I must know the truth for myself!

Expect a follow up post to "Frank Magazine.... Is It Worth Stealing?"

Until next post,

Ewey

ShamWOW!!! That Magic Bullet Is As Fast As Tony Little's Gazelle!!!

2009-01-05T21:54:00.018-05:00

OK, check it out folks!

You haven't lived until you've seen the hilarity of some of these famous infomercial products!!! I pee a little sometimes because I laugh so hard. Some of the acting is so unbelievably absurd and theatrical, it actually makes the product more appealing because you can easily tell that the product is brighter than the acting.

At any rate, check out these pieces of hilarity. The last few I added their online description just for a larffle.

Comin' at ya!

Gotta love the Tobi Steamer! For the people who would rather move their arm up and down to get the wrinkles out instead of side to side....

The Thy Master is by far a classic. Because of this infomercial and Suzanne Somers, I realized at the ripe age of 4 that only a beautiful woman could make me feel this happy down in the rattle snake den. What a woman! Even at her actual age of 76, she is still a knock-out

ShamWOW! This guy is hilarious! For a little weazel, he does a good job. ShamWOW has made it into my regular vocabulary now. "Dude, I shamwowed dog sh*t all over his windshield" or "No way?! ShamWOW'd in the face?!?!"

I'm glad that Tony Little survived his insane accident and all, but if Tony flexed any harder for this 'Gazelle' photo opp, he'd shoot out his lower intestine across the room like it was silly string

Every time I see the Magic Bullet infomercial, I always watch it! Somehow, it amazes me every single time. Best part is, I got one for Christmas and I LOVE it!!! I'm gonna Magic Bullet the ShamWOW out of everything conceivable.

This is the 'Back 2 Life' product. Now it's time to get back to reality. I refuse to use something on my painful back that looks like something you sling your gremlin case over on a 4am drunken escapade with Sue Johanson (Sex with Sue), only because she promises you'll love how it feels..... As she snaps tight, a rubber glove. The pillow is simply for recovery afterward....

"The Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet ® is a special "Miracle Juice" that has been scientifically formulated, so that in just 48 hours you will cleanse your body and lose up to 10 pounds! The Hollywood Diet was created to give your internal body a "vacation" by washing away unhealthy toxins and fat,..."

That's just hilarity in itself... What exactly is this "Miracle Juice" you speak of?

Invisilift
"InvisiLifts allow you to wear prettier, less supportive bras and will keep the nipple from pointing downward."

Because no one likes a saggy nip.... Could you imagine picking up the girl at the bar wearing this product? Could you imagine the look on the poor guys face when high beams switch to low beams? This world is not right.... NOT RIGHT!

Rio Laser Hair Removal
"The Rio Laser Hair Removal Systems are designed for home use. You can now enjoy the benefits of permanent hair reduction without paying for expensive salon treatments."

Just to prove my point EVEN MORE!!!! For all you know, you could be dating a woman, who by all rights, should be proud of the beard she can grow.... It's bad when the wifey can pull off the Tom Selleck stache better than you can...

HD Vision WrapArounds™

"HD Vision technology gives you clarity that you have never experienced

Enhance your vision
Just like High Definition TV
Lightweight & durable
Modern European Style"

Are you flippin kidding me?!?! Do you think we're ALL 95 year olds, that collapse and convulse at the very contact with natural sunlight? "One second dear, let me put on my high definition sun glasses" And Modern European Style???? That's right Bucko! You're the hippest cat at the bingo hall showing Gladys how fast you can dab your called numbers with your revolutionary HD sunglasses....

That's it folks! If you peed a little as well, ShamWOW it up!

Ewey

Eweys New Years Drunken Downhill Spiral - Complete With Pics!!!

2009-01-01T16:16:00.006-05:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but 2008 in my books was one helluva craptacular year. The technical meaning of craptacular is 'wow, i'd rather scoop my eyes out with a spoon'

But I won't let that get me down. No, not this year! I am set up nicely for a great year, I do believe. I feel great, I'm working out, I am rid of the greedy and mean spirited ex's, and I have surrounded myself with great friends and family. On top of that, I am taking steps in right directions. Isn't that what life is all about folks?

I hope all of you had a great New Years and wish you all the very best in 2009!

Here are some pics of my demise, in order to the best of my knowledge, throughout the New Years bash at Geoff and Jennie's place!

I look pretty respectable at the start of the night, don't I?

A little group shot of Jennie, Geoff, Sonya and I

Geoff and I about to throw some darts

1 maybe 2 sneak in's in one photo!

I found a hat! Notice how we all look like we're about to walk into the hall of shame

Let the shame begin with a set of handcuffs and rhumskees

Still in cuffs, now on Roxy's bed.... Maybe that's where I belong...? Yes? No?

Apparently, this maneuver is supposed to seduce women. It worked!

Found a different hat and a karaoke machine! Time for Camille and I to double team Brittany and hit her one more time

"Oops, I did it again"

"Killin' me noooow"

Still in cuffs? Jebus! I'm pretty sure Geoff and I we're trying to bust a rhyme, and this is where I clued in to the severity of my 'whiteyness'

This is where shame set in. Roxy was embarrassed of me too, but her only advice was to go woof myself

The next morning Sonya decided to dress me up, or maybe I was still drunk. Either way, I'm wearing unacceptable outerwear

And to finish it all off in true New Scotland fashion, I head out to help Geoff shovel snow, hung over, ashamed, but knowing full well that I can't help it

I would like to personally thank Marcia for not publishing the picture of my fun dog that I accidentally took on her camera. Also, big ups to Geoff and Jennie for a great New Years bash and to everyone who attended who made me laugh all night long!

Happy 2009 everyone!

Stay tuned for hilarious infomercial products that keep us amused!

Signing off,

Ewey

New Kids On The Block Have Been Resuscitated

2008-12-29T20:46:00.011-05:00

I'm sure we all remember the craze of New Kids On The Block. From here on in it's NKOTB. Some of you may be aware that NKOTB have come back for their victory lap. The sad reality of it all is that there are more people waiting at the finish line with electric paddles and breathing apparatuses then there are fans.

I don't mean any disrespect, and by don't I mean do.... I just believe that when you hit the ripe age of 40, it's time to start planning your division of assets instead of trying to pull the wool over teenagers eyes and make them believe you can run with the young pups.

Or maybe they are just trying to bank a little cashola because they've realized that frivolous embellishments of coke, hookers, and ben-gay can really do a number on the savings account.

At any rate folks, I took the privileged of showing some before and afters of NKOTB. For the record, NKOTB now stands for New Kinds Of Tender Boils.

Check 'em!

Jonathan Knight goes from Lance Bass to......

Being happy to hold stick like objects between his hands?

Jordan Knight started out as a Michael Jackson impersonator to.....

Michael Jackson

Donnie Wahlberg went from cool cat to....

A hard core criminal.... to.....

An aged, balding grampy who turned out to be one hell of an actor in the SAW flicks!

Joey Mac went from boyish hip-hopper to....

Sensitive she-male who loves cream puffs and daisies

Danny Wood went from track mark block head to.....

Just a block head

Christmas Partay 2008 WITH PICS!!!

2008-12-21T21:33:00.008-05:00

Well.... We danced, we laughed, we drank, and evidently I was the only one who molested a reindeer. Folks, below are a few pics (Thanks to Nadine) of our Christmas party. As you may or may not be able to tell, I had a few drinks and had a great time! After seeing these, the night all came flooding back to me and I had many "Gawd, I can't believe I did that" moments.

All in all, it was great time and a big thanks to my friends who took care of me and made sure I got into bed safely.

Check it out!

Of course, I had to take a fake wizzle on the hydrant

It's a Ewey sammich with a slice of Nadine and Kirbs

Trina and I talking about religion and politics

Kirbs, Alan, and I lookin good and merry

Andre and Tanja for after dinner drinkies

Nadine and Ashley and a classic Ewey sneak-in

Ah, The boys starting to feel the effects of alcohol

Scored another sneak in on G-Dubbs, Alan, and Guillaume

My first kiss of the night, and it was from Guillaume... Yuck!

As I proceeded to get drunksee, I swiped a reindeer and amused myself for a while

After foreplay, I then made love to little Birchy

All while serving drinks. Now that's multitasking at it's finest!

I have no idea what I'm doing at this point

Now, that's uncalled for. Sometimes I wish friends would just stop me from doing things like this instead of taking pictures of it.....

On the way home, we caught two people in the back of the van making out! Oh, gotta love Christmas time.....

There you have it Folks! One helluva Christmas party that I made the best of! Let's just hope I don't get a pink slip on Monday morning for improper behavior towards a reindeer.....

Merry Christmas,

Ewey

Insane Christmas Snow Sculptures In Our Town

2008-12-14T14:25:00.015-05:00

I was taking a little stroll through The Town on a beautiful day and into the evening. In my town we all say 'wassup?' to our neighbors and enjoy our harmonious and fun lives. In our town, we can all make fun of each other and laugh about it, because in all honesty, we're all different and we all can laugh at our uniqueness.

Come this way and I'll take you on a quick tour and show you these insanely ridiculous snow sculptures that are in my neighbors lawns.

Well this is just hilarious! Someone explained to little Billy that even though we're all going to die, it's OK to wither away with a smile and an expression of "Meh, what can you do?"

That's just Franko the deer. He's not actually hungry. I told him to take off the nose and drop it a couple snow ballz down and give Frosty a wang-a-roo.

Naughty Nicole and Rocked-out Rodney created this one. The local nudists who live on Dirty Sex Street. This is all they do on a daily basis.

This is Sadistic Sam's front lawn. It's his rendition of what he wants to happen to Paris Hilton and her new BFF

This is Free-Ballin Bob's sculpture. This is not just any penis folks! This is a penis that Bob sculpted on his neighbors lawn. It was funny to see Old Mrs. Landry's face that morning!

Funny story... I got drunkskee last night and sculpted this in the park. A scenario that may have occurred this past summer.....

This is Old Captain Keggy's. He is actually a real pirate who mugs the the hell out of people on a daily basis, but he's cool as hell so we accept him just the way he is.

This is actually my friend Chris MacLean covered in snow. He looks an awful lot like Batman....

Mary and Jane sculpted this amazing rendition of Zelda. They are all roommates down on the corner who smoke a lot of marijuana and play video games all day. It took a while to get them off the coach to make this....

Eweys Blog Town has it's very own Grinch. A very nice fellow, but had to wizz really really bad. It's perfectly acceptable for him to pee on snowmen only because his pee is green. We all encourage him to do things like this on a regular basis.

Luscious Lucy created this 'Space Invadors Alien" because she's a gamer chick who brought gaming back to it's roots. *w00t w00t"

Stephen King lives in our town and created this masterpiece. Very cool sculpture, but he's a bit of a wank face.

This sculpture was created by my loyal citizens. Before the Town was created, it was infested with Dragons. My first duty as Town Mayor was to slay all the dragons. It was hard work, but someone had to do it. Great attention to detail... Bravo!

These little happy feet penguins we're created by Tiny Timmy and his sister Simple Sarah. Shortly after, the Grinch wizzed on them and we all laughed.

This poor, unsuspecting Picachoo is about to get a monster full from behind. Created by Loco Larry because he hates adorable cartoon characters and wishes bad things for them.

Finally, this is my yard! I keep some of the towns-people employed for it's up-keep, as you can see. We just party in it every night... That's how we roll. Free drinks, free nachos, and dancing polar bears.

This is the inside.....

My Town is just a way cooler place to live!

Ewey

Top 10 No No's While Drinking

2008-12-11T20:59:00.006-05:00

Folks! Fact is, the majority of us drink. And most of will be doing that over the Holidays as if it we're a marathon to win eternal life. What I have compiled is a special Top 10 list of No No's that we have to keep in mind while we are partying it up at house parties and the bars.

Pay close attention, write a few of these down and tuck them away in your purse or wallet for future reference, or maybe even a handy pocket guide as you go forth and spread merry to others. Spread merry????........

Anyway, comin' atcha!!!! Top 10

10. Say no to telling everyone you know that you bump into about how much you love them. I'm sure a few of you do this and you know it.... Keep in mind this also mean keeping your arms at your sides and not extending them for huggles and smoochies.

9. Just say no to confessing your love to that person who obviously doesn't feel the same way about you, or that person who is just so far out of your league that you are playing two different sports all together. Much like football compared to blind folded ringette.

8. Even though you may have had enough to drink to make you feel like an unstoppable love machine, it is a no no to grab a woman's fun buns and love jugs, or a mans nifty noodle. Well, most men wouldn't care, but you get the point.

7. If you've gotten to the point where you notice that you are slurring your words a little, it is a complete no no to attempt words such as Judicial, Preliminary, Specificity, and Cinnamon.

6. If you meet someone for the first time and they have a massive growth or boogie on their face, it is a definite no no to break eye contact and let your eyes wander and stare directly at the 'WTF' on their face.

5. If you've thrown up your Doritos, jelly beans, pizza, and your vodka shooters, you must not, in any way, thinks it's alright to go back to the party until your brush twice, and/or gargle 3-6 times with Listerine. Let's face it.... Barf has a nasty hum to it. people notice that shizz man!

4. When you're at the stage of "I know the answer to everything, so let me elaborate to you', for everybody's sake and safety, put your bottle or glass down and then begin with your ridiculous hand waving and gestures. No one likes a drunk spilly talker.

3. If you are one of the less fortunate, and end up taking home the pot bellied bar star from the local watering hole that everyone else you know has already had a few cracks at, it is a no no to go to sleep without setting your cell phone alarm to an early hour in the am. Do not stick around for bacon and eggs. And if you forget where you're at when you're leaving, check their address on their mail, call a cab, and get outta there!!! Huge ups to J-Kurz for that bit of advice :)

2. Obviously, do not drink and drive, but if you are in a car and need to spit your junk, do not wait until the last second. You are not Jack Bauer and you can't miraculously find a way to get the driver to stop, undo your seat belt, unlock the door, and barrel roll to a safe distance of 5 feet, all in under 4.7 seconds.

1. If you are drunk enough to not care about how people may see you, or you are just oblivious to everything else around you, do not think it's OK to scratch yourself in compromising ways or pick pieces of fabric out of tight spaces. Suck it up, go to the washroom, and let loose. Otherwise, everyone else will think you caught the crabs from Paris Hilton and nobody needs a mental image of wedgies. As Cleveland from Family Guy would say.... "That's just nasty!"

There it is y'all ! Enjoy the plate full of No No's as you enjoy your festivities this Christmas. Be safe, have fun, but most of all, have some public decency so you can make fun and laugh at the other people who don't.

Always yours,

Ewey

The Top 10 At Your Office Christmas Party!!!

2008-12-08T23:15:00.010-05:00

Picture this...... It's early in the evening, and most everyone has had a drink or two. When over the chattery hum of the people and the cheeeeezeeee band that is playing, you hear a "Check these puppies out!!! Bow-chicka-wow-wooooow!"

That's right, you guessed it.....! Mabel from accounting, who always seemed like a bit of a skank but usually kept quiet and to herself, is in the corner trying to get one of the buss boys to grab her hoo hoo's. It's likely that she started predrinking way before the 'let's get ready to go' stage.

So here it is folks! Oh, and enjoy my selection of drunk people along the way :)

Top 10 Must Do's At Your Office Christmas Party

10. As soon as you get to your office Christmas party, become the best friend of the people who hold the drink tickets. If you missed out on being selected for that position, make sure you know well in advance to do a little ass kissing to score yourself an extra 3-14 drinks.

9. Do your best to scope out the easiest co-worker at the party. She's easy to find. She's been with at least two other co-workers, shook her boobs for her job, picking her up at a bar can be accomplished with little ease, and has grown a beer belly from all of the beer she mooched off of people. Tell her your buddy digs her and she should chat him up because he's too shy. But most importantly, don't tell your buddy you are doing this.

8. Do your best to keep involved with the recent inter-office drama, and do frequent check in's with the separate parties who have 'beef' with each other. Keep a sharp eye to see a potential shove match occur, and if enough booze is involved, you may see a fist fly or scratched cornea from a high heel shoe.

7. When everyone has had enough to drink, start the leg kicking choo-choo train that goes around the room. As soon as at least 5 people have it locked and loaded in place behind you, peel off and leave the train, grab your drink, and then laugh at the fruit cakes dancing around the room like they're socially accepted in the Bahamas.

6. Convince the coworker, who thinks they are under appreciated and underpaid, to ask the boss for a raise immediately after dinner is over and everyone gets up for drinks and merry salutations.

5. Get the band/'DJ shitty' to dedicate "Girls just wanna have fun" to all the laydeez in the house. Sit back, get a beer, and watch to see what creepy guys slither their way into a situation they should be sitting out. Then point out to other people who the pervs are.

4. Find someone who sings to every song the band or DJ plays, but sings like the greased up def guy from Family Guy. Buy them a few drinks and convince them that they should be a rock star and grab the microphone and belt out a tune so everyone can enjoy their riveting and breath taking voice.

3. Set the alarm on your cell phone for 10 minute increments during the after dinner mingling or dance, simply to pretend it's a call. This works in two beneficial ways. Take note: First, It will allow you to turn the alarm off, as if to ignore the call because the person you are talking to is hot or simply important, and they instantly believe that you screened your call and they are special. And everyone just loves to be special. Second, It allows you to pretend there is an urgent matter and can get you out of talking to lame people for an unnecessary amount of time.

2. Try to buy the first round as early as possible. For most of the evening when the bar is busy, your friends have to endure the line up.

1. Whatever you do, bring a camera or make sure the people you go with bring one to capture these moments throughout the night, as they unfold before your very eyes. Get home, and throw all the memories on Facebook for everyone to enjoy.

There it is! A surefire way to solidify an interesting and exciting office Christmas party. Mine is in a week and a half and I can already feel the excitement of poo being flung, volatile projectile vomit, broken tables, and a night of some of the most amazing photo sneak in's one could ever imagine.

Here's to irresponsible people who make the world turn!

Ewey

Politics and Hot Canadian Women

2008-12-04T01:29:00.020-05:00

You're probably wondering why there are gorgeous models in bikinis. The real question is, why wouldn't there be?

Here's my issue with our recent political issues.

No matter what decision is made, no matter how small or how big, you simply cannot please everyone.

Canada voted. We dragged our beer drinking, hockey watching asses out to the polls, and we voted.

There was a clear winner! Democracy in it's truest form has taken place.

What happened after that is three losers got together for apple-tinis after their defeat and couldn't bring themselves to terms with Harper shutting them out.... Again.

A Frenchmen who can barely speak English, another one who can only argue against the

Conservative platform and can't defend his own, and a Bobble-Head...... Dear God!

At any rate folks, this whole non-confidence vote being slapped in the Gov Gen's face, (a former separatist) might as well be a big middle finger thrown in every Canadians face. It's like running home to mommy and saying that you think the other kids are stupid and won't let me do what I want. In this case, Duceppe, Layton, and Dion are all holding each others hands for support as they cry to Michaëlle Jean saying "Harper made me feel inadequate and my tummy hurts..."

Taking away what the majority of Canada voted for is basically saying we're too stupid to make our own decisions for what we think is best for us. How democratic is that?

Harper may not please everyone, but he, at the very least, pleased the majority. He may not be the most exciting and have the coolest hair style, but he has his shit together and clearly has more support.

How is the majority of Canada supposed to accept a government that we didn't vote for? Did we just waste 30 million on voting just to witness three poor losers?

I'll leave you with this. The Facebook group supporting the coalition government has 3,615 supporters. The Facebook group against the coalition government has 87,112 supporters.

It's only Facebook, so draw your own conclusion. I for one, believe we all need a drumstick dairy treat to cool out, and then take a step outside of the box and see that what is happening is costly, unfair, time wasting, and it is an insult to every Canadian citizen who voted in this past election.

There's you political update....

Ewey

Paris Hilton Proves Nasty All Over Again!!!

2008-12-02T17:26:00.008-05:00

Folks, if I've said it once, I've said it a million times.... Paris Hilton needs to slip down a flood drain and wash away with the rest of our garbage!

After viewing this picture sent to me from Kara (big ups btw) it is quite apparent that Paris is the nastiest, most skanky girl ever created. Well.... I can think of one that out-skanks her, but we don't talk to her anymore ;)

At any rate, peep this and make mental notes!

If we look closely, we can clearly see that Paris has had a door knob implant in her left knee, and a 'holy shizzy ballz, what the fark is that', implanted in her right knee.

If we look even closer, we can find that Paris has stooped to hiding her friends in her vagina, simply to sneak them into the club.

Paris, we can all see the third leg protruding out of your mini skirt. It's like her Vag doubles as a kangaroo pouch. Instead of hiding friends and appliances in there, why not keep the homeless warm this Christmas???? Do something that makes a difference in someone elses life instead of spreading the gift of STD's!

There you have it.... Paris Hilton Proves Nasty All Over Again!!!

Ewey

Baby, All I Want For Christmas Is Ewey! A butt-load of Questions & The Answer!

2008-11-24T16:41:00.000-05:00

Glad to see that the numbers are up for Eweys Blog Town, at an all time high! Thank you all for reading, hopefully enjoying, and gaining new perspectives about the reality of the world we live in all the while. Since it's nearing the Christmas season, spread the Blog Town News to a friend, or someone you know who hates Paris Hilton as much as I do!

At any rate, a faithful reader of 'The Town', who after a long and rigorous battle with her computer, finally was able to see the news properly. On my Facebook news feed, I noticed that she posted these questions about herself.... And I'm a sucker for reading these questions and answers, simply to see how hilarious their answers are, or to see how lame their answers are. Like, every answer consists of how amazing their bf or gf are. "I talked last to my amazing bf Rufus" or "My Becky-boops is 'the one'. I love you baby! See you later tonight!"
Seriously people.... Snap out of it! The only people that need to know how embarassing you can be, are the ones you dedicate you soul existance to in your answers.

So keeping with the festive motif, Here are the Christmas questions and my answers.......

1. Getting kissed under the mistletoe or in the snow?
Funny.... I nicknamed my belly button mistletoe..... Wait for it...... There ya go! Anyway, you either run the risk of Old Great Aunt Ethel jumping in and planting a slimy one on the cheek or a potential snotty nose in the snow. It's a snifty/fifty for me.

2. Santa or Rudolph?:
Rudolph - If I ever took him out for a spin in the clouds and we crashed, I could make steaks out of him, and use his detached head as a flashlight or an SOS to Santa when he's out looking for my ass, cursing me for not signing out the reindeer for a test flight.

3. Stocking or presents?:
Prezzies Fo Sho!

4. Egg nog or hot cider?:
We all want the Nog. Everyone does. Hot cider is for snooty floofers and fluffy gumpers.

5. Angel or Star ?:
Angels - Not because I'm a fluffy gumper, but only beacause some Angels are attractive, as far as Angels go.... And then you can use it as a gag at a well drunked Christmas party by lifting up her dress. But really don't do that. God will puck you in head for an unholy attitude.

6. Decorating the tree or putting lights on the outside?
Personally, I like decorating other peoples lawns with their neighbours Christmas lawn decorations. But probably the tree because you get to see the Angel again, after all those months.....

7. Warm fires or sleigh rides?:
Warm fires - No one likes being cold and smelling horse-duds.

8. Expensive presents or presents that come from the heart?:
From the heart because I'm still holding on to hope that someone will knit me a ridiculous Christmas sweater.

9. Snow ball fight or snowman?
Snowman - It's always too hilarious when you drive by a snowman, and the little bastard neighborhood boy (God bless him), took the carrot nose and two pieces of cole and made a different face in a different region on Frosty. On that day, that boy amused 2000 people on their way to work, offended about 30, and made two children cry. That's a good days work by my standards.

10. Will you be getting coal or presents?
Just remember, coal hurts when it gets heaved over the crowd and pucks you in the head.

11. Giving or Receiving presents?
I rather give prezzies. I think I deliver a good mix between a quality/thoughtful prezzie.

12. Open presents quick or slow?
It's all about opening at the same pace every time. It's too easy to tell who the present opener likes the most, by the speed at which they open the present. Think about that people! It can cause potential future issues.

13. Caroling or Christmas stories?
Srories for shizz! Stories can be told through the magic of television picture films, and I love my Christmas picture films.

14. Snowy days or icy days?:
snowy!

15. Red or Green?:
New Color Alert ---> GRED - Pronounced 'Grrr_ed' -> The color in which red and green are intermingled, but keep their true color and do not mix to create the color 'gross'. Resulting in a fantastic new Christmas color.

16. Nightmare before Christmas or The Santa Claus?
If you read the Blog Town news previous to this post, you'll see that I have small issues with both of these movies. A bit too creepy and an overdose of Tim Allen, both of which aren't favorable to me.

17. Dasher or Dancer?:
With names like that, I don't believe I will be chillin with either of those dudes.

18. Prancer or Vixen?:
Seriously.... ???

19. Comet or Cupid?:
Comet uses uppers and Cupid hits on Prancer

20. Donner or Blitzen?:
Donner sounds like a Debbie Downer and Blitzen smokes weed and flies. And flying under the influence isn't cool!

21. Fake tree or Real tree?
Real trees & finding them yourself - Because nothing smells more fulfilling than a whiff of doing your part to clear cut our beautiful forests and mount it like a trophy. No sarcasm there folks.... It truly is a great feeling.

22. Prime Rib or Ham?:
Prime Rib - Because you can always get away with saying you'll have some more Optimus Prime Rib.

23. Red and White Candy Canes or Colorful Candy Canes?:
I don't eat candy canes generally, but red and white seem OK to me.

24. Get up early or sleep in late?:
I'm a reformed sleep in artist - Getting up early always seems more productive.

25. Old Christmas Movies or New ones?:
Old ones are the best by far because there is always that childhood Christmas movie that tugs a string or two.

26. The Santa Claus 1 or The Santa Claus 2?:
Tim Allen is cool and all, but I hate watching his movies where I expect that full out power tool grunt at any moment.

27. The Grinch movie or Elf movie?:
Again, from the previous post, it is clearly stated that The Grinch is number 10 on the charts and Elf rolled its hilarious ass straight to the number 2 spot. This should not even be a question.

28. Scrooge or Tiny Tim?:
At least Scrooge has a personality instead of sugar plums dreams and a bum leg.

29. Ornaments or a Wreath?:
Ornaments - Especially ornaments that were made in elementary school with a 3 pound seashell a huge hook, stabilizer bars, water based paint, and the dream of a small boy believing that the sheer weight of it would never mess with the trees center of gravity.

30. Christmas Eve or Christmas day?:
Jesus unofficially said to us in an interview at the Young St. liquor store "All shall rejoice and get drunksy on thy eve of my birth with pleasures of merlot and eggith noggeth, and onith the following dawn, taketh 1000 Mg's of Tylenol, eateth an apple and slameth down a power drink"

Before Christmas:

1. Does your family send out Christmas cards?:
They sure do

2. How soon do you start shopping?:
About a week before Christmas. I love the challenge of finding the right gift after every store has been cleaned out.

3. Who do you shop for?:
The immediate fam of course.

4. Do you put up a Christmas tree?:
Just doing my part little Billy.....

5. If so, is it fake or real?:
And one day, you'll clear cut a little chipmunks home too, boy

Decorations:

6. Do you like tinsel?
Not unless I like German techno music.... And I don't.....

7. Do you use homemade or store bought ornaments?:
Store bought, and a little mix of homemade.

8. Do you put Christmas lights outside your house?
Sure do - Everyone loves a little festive tackiness

9. Do you put lights on the tree?:
Yup - Sometimes candles like they did in the 1800's. Safe and reliable - That's my philosophy.

10. How about popcorn and cranberries?:
Definitely not together - That's sick!

11. Is there a wreath hanging on your door?:
No, but I have two neighbours that may or may not have gotten their wreaths swapped.

Christmas Eve:

13. Do you hang up your stocking?:
Personally, I like my stocking under the tree.

14. Does your family read "Twas the night before Christmas?":
My other family who lives in the suburbs of 1869 do every year just before we blow out the candles on the tree.

16. Do you open a present on Christmas Eve?
Every year without fail! I shake, smell, and tap every present, and make an educated decision before choosing.

Favourite:

17. Christmas Movie?:
Again, on the list. A Christmas Story is the undefeated champ of Christmas movies.

18. Character from any Christmas Movie:
Father Chuck O'Malley - Played by Bing Crosby - 1945

19. Christmas Song:
Christmas in Killarney

20. Christmas Memory:
Trying to re-decorate a Christmas tree that fell over one year. This particular tree had needles on the branches made from razor blades and pure hell. Erika coordinating the process while Geoff and I wrapped towels around us to evade certain death from the death needles.

This or That :

21. White Lights or Colored Lights?
I don't want to offend anyone - I enjoy all lights equally.

22. Blinking Lights or Still Lights?
Blinking lights annoy me

23. Were you Naughty or Nice this year?:
Always nice.... never fails. Although, I did dip my toes in the naughty sauce a few times... :P

Presents:

24. What do you want for Christmas this year?:
A plane ticket and cash - And maybe a nice bottle of Scotch to drink the cares away (responsibly of course)

25. When do you open your gifts?:
Whenever the 1000 Mg's of Tylenol kicks in

26. What's the best gift you've ever gotten?
My family - I know... Adorable isn't it?

27. What's the worst gift you've ever gotten?:
A funny, discolored itch.... I'm kidding - I'm clean

28. Who gives you the most gifts?
I do, because every time I go shopping for Geoff, I find things to buy for myself.

29. Have you ever had a secret Santa?:
Yes, and she made me a mixed CD of awesome music and bought me a case of Guinness.

33. Do you like wrapping gifts?:
Hate it almost as much as as I hate Paris Hilton. As long as the present is covered by the wrapping paper, in any way, is fine with me.

Random:

34. Do you put change in those red buckets?:
All the time.

35. Do you burn a yule log?:
Not since the 30's.

36. Can you name all the reindeer?:
Sure can! Even with my eyes closed.

37. Do you bake cookies?:
No Sir. I eat cookies that have been baked for me.

38. Have you ever seen your mommy kissing Santa Clause?:
If I did, I'd beat the shizz out of Kringle and ground my mother.

39. Have you ever gotten a kiss under the mistletoe?:
Not in the romantic Christmas way.

41. Do you drive around and look at the Christmas lights?:
That takes away from my drinking time.

42. Have you ever left Santa cookies?:
Sure did. Turns out that Dad ate them.

43. Have you ever sat on Santa's lap?:
Yes, and I tried my best to pee on him, but failed.

44. Who do you celebrate Christmas with?:
Family and friends.

45. Where do you celebrate Christmas?
I celebrate Christmas everywhere I go.

46. Have you ever had a white Christmas?:
Not in a few years, but yes.

47. What part of Christmas do you look most forward to?:
Definitely the suppers and seeing family.

48. Have you ever had your picture taken with Santa?:
Yes. At the exact moment I was trying to force myself to pee on his lap.

49. Does your family always take pictures at Christmas?
Always. Erika is the snap happy queen!

50. What would be a Christmas dream of yours?
To stroll around naked while I open my gifts, shop, and party.... and be accepted as a normal member of the Halifax Regional Municipality.

Hope you all enjoy the Holidays, and thanks to CC for the holiday questions! You're the snizzle in my frizzle!

Always yours,

Ewey

The Jack Attack Is Back! Bauer Can Break Necks With One Leg!

2008-11-23T23:33:00.007-05:00

If you know me, you know that I am a 24 fanatic. If you don't know what 24 is, I don't want you to even read my blog anymore...... So 24 is back with another season of shizz your pants thrills and cliff hanger endings!

Kiefer Sutherland is out of jail and back on the air with another exciting season of 24 that seems to be just as fulfilling as every other season. It is very much a show that you need to see from the very beginning to know all of the characters and backgrounds to events.

The best thing about this show is that I got to see the season premier with a good old buddy of mine who use to watch it with us back in the day. I planned on watching it alone with beer and snacks, but I got a message from my good buddy Jay the other day saying we should catch up and watch Jack Bauer kill dozens of people. So I said Hellz Yeah!

Turns out, I could wizz on Jays front door from my place. We hung out, caught up, and saw Jack snap necks with his leg.

Moral of the story...... Watch 24! It's just a better show. Also, make time for those old buddies. Catch up and have a few beer. There is nothing better than surrounding yourself with good people and Jack Bauer.

At any rate, if you're going to try to get into the show... Good luck. You're almost screwed unless you've got the gist from previous seasons. My advice..... Rent the first few seasons and watch them throughout the week. You won't be disappointed!

Best show on the tele, by far!

Reporting the cool things in life,

Ewey

Eweys TOP 10 Christmas Classics!!!

2008-11-20T22:33:00.019-05:00

Check it out Yo'!

Since I just had this discussion tonight, I feel the need to share with you all, my top picks for best Christmas movies that I need to see every Christmas or else I get, what scientists like to call the "I Just Got Hozed By My Television" syndrome."

How was that for a run-on sentence????

In the case that CBC won't air one of my TOP 10, I hate to say it too, but I just may write a letter. I know...... A letter! I may even write George Stroumboulopoulos and maybe even Peter Mansbridge if I feel feisty enough. And if they agree with me about these movies, they should give me props for selecting the best Christmas movies of all time. Picture that folks.... The Legend, Peter Mansbridge, giving me a shout out on The National! "And we end our programme tonight friends, with 'Big Ups to Ewey from Eweys Blog Town, for suggesting these amazing TOP 10 Christmas movies. This young man has made Christmas just a little more cheery this year...."

And for you Strombo
.... You're just a cool dude with a cool show bro. Keep up the good work!

At any rate folks, here it comes..... Eweys

OOOOPS! How'd that get there??? Now.... Isn't this awkward......

*Ahem!!* ....... EweysThere we go..... listen up CBC!

10. How The Grinch Stole Christmas
Because we all appreciate and chuckle over his mischevious ways

9. One Magic Christmas
Because Gideon The Angel actually drove a 1980 Thunderbird

8. Mickey's A Christmas Carol
Because old Scrooge McDuck had a conscience after all. And it turned out that Tiny Tim just had athletes foot but still lost his leg. Evidently, penicillin was discovered a few days later..... Poor lil' Timmy

7. Scrooged
Lets face it..... Bill Murray was on some pretty hilarious drugs at the time

6. Home Alone
Very exciting childhood movie that made it alright for kids to booby trap their homes. Is that MJ in the background???? Weird....

5. A Christmas Carol (Black & White)
Only because it proves that film did exist in the mesozoic era

4. Any Bing Crosby Christmas Movie
Bing is simply a man that every other man wishes they could be. Look at that mug shot... What a lush! But the coolest lush of them all

3. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Clark Griswold's day dream of the hot chick diving into and coming out of the pool. Need I say more??? That's what I thought!

2. Elf
Will Farrell shines as Buddy the Elf! Far fetched, but a gut buster nonetheless!

1. A Christmas Story
Because this scene was priceless! Also because we all said the same thing when Ralphie kicked the snot out of that ugly ginger kid with the Davey Crockett raccoon hat. "Good on 'em! He was a little prick anyway"

Close runners up we're The Santa Clause *Too much Tim Allen*, Charlie Brown's Christmas *Too anti-climactic*, The Nightmare Before Christmas *Way too creepy but great animation*, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Claymation version *That little blond haired aspiring dentist gives me the cold shivers. I picture what the guy doing the voice over for that character looks like while he does that voice. And that to me friends, is just unsettling.....*

Thank you for joining us here at The Blog Town!

Goodnight and travel light!

Like Sand Through The Hour Glass, So Is Nubodys?

2008-11-18T23:06:00.010-05:00

Have you been to the gym lately? Probably not, and I understand why!

If exhausting yourself three days a week wasn't awesome enough, you also get to hang out in the same big room with people who exert every effort to try not to wave their arms frantically and scream "LOOK AT ME YA'LL!!!! OVER HERE!!!"

I joined the gym a few weeks back and am feeling pretty good about myself. I'm going in there, truffle shuffelin to my Ipod, and keeping to myself as I do my lifty lifts and pushy pushes.

Folks, I can't help but notice that there is structural damage to the facility due to the massive egos that fill the room.

Here's the people I've noticed so far:

The classic meat head who get's his big brother (the volunteer kind) to drop him off at the gym for 14 hours because there is nothing else in life he can complete from start to finish. Even counting their repetitions can prove to be difficult for these individuals.

The Cover Girl, who just got off of a circus photo shoot, sitting her unitard self on the very front elliptical machine, giving everyone Zoolanders "Blue Steel" look. But serves the pretty chicks a slight hint of bitch.

The Perfect 10 is the girl who has the nicest ass you've ever seen, the perkiest everything everywhere, all over herself. You'll notice that there will be at least 8 guys following her around the gym, and small scuffles break out when she hits the treadmill. You'd swear they were playing a game of musical treadmills.

The Sneaky Perve is the guy who obviously hasn't touched a weight ever in life, but simply just creeps around the gym, getting close enough to hot chicks that he can get a wiff of their lady speedstick, and then creep off somewhere else. He sits at machines, pretends to stretch, but he is really planning his next perv attack.

Hulk Hogan is the guy who seems to have extreme difficulty keeping quiet. This guy lifts a fairly impressive stack of weights, looks as if his head is about to explode-aroony because of the biggest poop in history, drops the whole stack so everyone hears, as he shakes it off and grunts like a bull in heat.

The Yoga Yoda is the lady who actually looks like Yoda.... Dead serious people..... It's not even really funny. It's kinda sad that she looks like a muppet :( Every day with a different 2 piece matching outfit. This 48 year old lady will use a machine for45 seconds as she looks around and scopes out the biggest group of men, then decides to break out some Yoga/ballet with a twist of unbalanced drunkiness right between them all. Her spandex.... too tight! How obvious it is that she needs more attention than a child raised on crack pancakes.... Extremely! How much I want to see her put her back out and admit "An alcoholic, I am"...... More than you'll ever know!!!

You get my drift here people.... This place truly cracks me up! I'd actually pay the yearly fee just to be able to enter this whole new planet with a new species of people just to watch them trying their little hearts out to be the most popular and sexiest mamma jamma at the gym.

If you read this and realize that you are one of these people, well..... You're a loser. Strongly consider making a drastic life change of some sort. Unless you're the Perfect 10. You can call me :P

Until next time,

Ewey

Do You Have A Face-Bully? Top Ten To Follow

2008-11-16T21:44:00.004-05:00

So it is written,

Jesus said, "Let there be Facebook!" And made it so....

....So we all got bitch slapped by the internet and signed up for a Facebook account.

Here's my predicament at the moment with Facebook. It's nothing against Facebook, but it's against someone I kinda knew 'back in the day, bye'.... Never hung out with this person

The reality of it all, and I guarantee that each and every one of you with a Facebook account knows this, is that you add someone that you never really thought much of, and they only added you because their own Facebook wall shows that you were a 'Faceclump Addy' ----> I'll explain that one in a minute.

At any rate Folks, I kept noticing these updates on this person fairly often on the Facebook News Feed. It got to me enough that I had to investigate it a little further. Yeah, I totally pulled a successful Facecreep on this poor soul, but purely to find ways of proving that this person is a complete liar about everything in their life. It actually turned into a soap opera for me and I found myself frequently keeping myself updated on their complete asinine stories. Just wishing more than anything in this ridiculous world that someone else is picking up on these fairy tales and wants to blurt out on their Facebook Wall, that I just made them a fresh pot of 'Liar stew!!!!!' And we used freshly diced 'Big Fat Liar peppers!!!!!' Sauteed in a sweet, but tangy 'You lie so much that you need to get off of Facebook and see a therapist almond oil sauce!!!!!!!!!!'

I know I probably won't, but I am tempted to Facebully this character. And I am 95% sure I will get nothing but support from people. I know Facebullying isn't right, but let's face it..... Some people just need to be put in their place :<> Including bonus material!!!

10. Facebully - One who picks on someone else's integrity and authenticity, via their Facebook Wall, so everyone can laugh at them and so they can be taught a harsh, but very real, life lesson.

9. Facecreep - One who frequently rummages through someone else's Facebook page to keep abnormal 'real time updates' on the status of their life. Also connected to Faceperve - People who say "I like it when you Facecreep me", and then proceed to send an eye winking emoticon, followed by a smoking gun emoticon.

8. Facef*ck - More frequently known as F*#k face, in the noncyber world.

7. Facerape - One who abuses the privileges of Internet, resulting in an overactive useage of popular websites such as Facebook. These individuals seem to 'get-off' in the delight of commenting on aaaaaabsolutely everyones Facebook wall & posted pictures.

6. Facechase - Similar to the popular, over used and out of date phrase 'phone tag', Facechase is when two friends have a long and exhausted conversation on each others walls so EVERYONE else can see.

5. Facedrama - When friends are making a big deal over insignificant, yet seemingly important personal issues, over Facebook. The more people involved, the juicier these Facedramas can become.

4. Facefreak - One who adds every single add-on program to their Facebook page so it takes someone else 3 years to scroll to the bottom. Statistics show that 95.7% of people don't actually click on these programs, to know more about you.

3. Faceslut - One who posts an excessive number of photos of themselves in promiscuous/provocative positions, starving for people to add comments such as "Wow! You look soooo hot on that leopard print rug"or "Lookin' goooood *wink wink*"

2. Faceplanter - One who consistently drops messages to their potential love interests stating the aforementioned statement but then add "So, wanna get together this weekend for a drink?"

1. Facequoter - One who spreads the word to others using a direct statement that is written in a third parties Facebook status. Example: "Tiffany won't sleep with you dude.... She's 'seeing her favorite guy... *wink wink*' in T-2 days'..... According to her Faceslut status"

Happy and safe Facebooking people!

Ewey

Obama-Rama!!! Change is Good

2008-11-04T23:16:00.007-05:00

Barrack Obama is the reigning champion! If you haven't been following the United States of America's elections, shame on you!

I won't get too much into political talk for your sake. It's one thing to talk politics, it's another to watch en exciting election on the tele.

Obama has really made a statement that has given hope, a plan for change, and a rejuvenated spirit to so many Americans. In a time where the world is in it's worst state, Americans want someone who can lead them into a better future. Under a roof that will keep them safe from the elements, walls that will keep them warm from the cold, and a front door that welcomes them outside to see a brighter day. Barrack Obama - Change is in your able hands.

What I found most intriguing, is the mixture of race, religion, and the point driven home that it isn't just a defining moment in history for African Americans, but a defining moment for all Americans. In my opinion, it feels more like a victory for blacks and whites.

Countless times throughout the victory speech, I saw so many white and black people crying together, laughing together, singing together, dancing together, and looking at each other, together, as Americans. I guess the beauty of it all is that they did this together! No barriers, no walls. Just people for a brighter, more peaceful future. People coming together to support a man who has enough guts & gusto to try and change an America that needs it more than anything else.

Good luck America, you're going to need it! But be grateful that you have a leader who has a clue.

I guess Change can be a good thing......

Ewey

No more Nice, Cool, Refreshing, Cigarettes :(

2008-11-03T00:23:00.006-05:00

I was always the first to say "Let's all enjoy and nice, cool, refreshing, cigarette." Now, it seems that those days are over and fresh air will rule my lungs.

For you all, I have charted my first day of non-smoking, complete with times and moods. And throughout this whole ordeal, I am astonished and partially sickened over how my mood can change from severe depression to the Incredible Hulk, in a matter of minutes.

My first day, I tried to go 'cold turkey.' I then realized that doing so had only made me the crankiest SOB, this side of the old water tower. I then proceeded to only have a smoke when I absolutely needed one. At the most, I had about 4 or 5 a day. But tomorrow, I feel that I am strong enough to not have any.

So, check out my mood calendar below and believe me, I am quite serious about the mood that follows the time. No joke to be had here folks! These are actual mood swings at their finest!

Enjoy!

Ewey

9:30 - Driving to work, feeling pretty confident about not having a smoke.
9:35 - Grab my morning Tim Horton's large double double
9:36 - Wishing I had a smoke to go with my coffee
9:37 - Contemplating going to buy a pack
9:39 - Rubbing my four o clock shadow, hoping that that will take the craving away
9:42 - Rubbing my face is not working
10:00 - Realizing that I am a weak man and all I can do is whisper 'Fu*k' to anything that gets in my way
10:49 - My hands are shaking, more than normal.
10:51 - I want to hit things for no reason
11:33 - I'm actually somewhat calm and clear headed at this point. I'm gonna make it after all!
11:48 - I want to physically harm people for absolutely no reason
12:30 - I've chewed 3 pens to the point of no return
12:54 - I've eaten lunch and really want the after lunch smoke more than anything in the world
2:32 - I'm calm again and feel like I CAN do this
2:47 - I'm weeping in my office with the door locked
3:22 - I hate everyone
4:13 - This emotional roller coaster has me thinking I need psychiatric help
4:34 - Cravings aren't as bad now. I think I'll be alright.... Right?

Halloween/Birfday Celebrations!!!

2008-10-26T22:40:00.019-04:00

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for the Birthday wishes. Turning twenty-seven hasn't really bothered me and I don't feel much older nor do I feel scared that thirty is just three years away. I had a great weekend with friends and family and managed to swindle a few photos from the weekend. Geoff and Jennie had their annual Halloween party that I flew to. It was a great turnout and the Tooth fairy was drunskee! Check out the pics below and have a larf at them. And one more thing..... I have decided to quit smoking as soon as I finish this blog and I will keep you all posted on my success, day by day, as I go through hell.....

Let us begin

If this pic was a video, you'd see that I was breaking out some NKOTB dance manouvers

The Tooth fairy found a Storm Trooper helmut just lying around!

You're not hallucinating! I'm breaking it down one time with Dog the Bounty Hunter and Jem

Evidently I glow green when I try and throw some hot moves on witches

At some point, I grew breasts and had to show Ma

This pic was taken shortly after my spectacular defence skillz with Dog the BH. in the front yard

No contest! I am the ultimate sneak in Master

And again! I am actually fluttering my wings to hover above Elvis and Jem

Evidently, I glow a nice golden color when it's time to rest my wings

All in all, it was a fantastic weekend! Friday night consisted of mucho drinking, partying with Kevin, 6 strange girls in the back of a car snapping pics underneath my kilt, and convincing myself that there is nothing wrong with that.

Saturday was the Slaun-Ewerts Halloween party where I was groped, molested, drunk and abused. One girl kept pulling her pants down for me without me even having to ask. I partied with some awesome friends and fam, shot laser beams, kept Dog the BH from going back to a Mexican prison, and made out with a witch that turned out to be one-hundred yards of plastic wrap.

And today, a relaxed recovery day, spent with the family, having a big supper, blowing out candles, finishing the night off with a tea run to Timmy Ho Ho's with Kara, a blog, and my last cigarette as I type this last little bit. *BTW, living turkeys *the gobble gobble kind* are quite possibly the most disgusting creatures on the face of the earth.

Once again, I thank you all for a great weekend and all of your love and support. And also, the endless amounts of hilarious adventures to blog about!

Keep checking in for my up to date progress on my battle with being smoke free!

As I put down my lighter and give up these things
These white little smokes, and the joys they can bring
They've calmed down my nerves and have been a good friend
Ten bucks a pack, but this is the end

An end to the coughing, the wheeze and the hack
No smokes after sex as I lye on my back
I'll miss all the moments we've shared in my fight

Goodbye little friends, goodbye and goodnight

Lost Cat in Clayton Park? He is now a Ninja Kitty!

2008-10-19T12:39:00.013-04:00

Get this folks!

I'm driving home today, just loving the nice fall weather. Smiling and waving at the old people walking on the sidewalk, just to see them stop dead in their tracks, make the "I just poopied in my diaper" look, and watch them do a 180 as you drive by.... Leaving them wondering who the fark was waving at them.

If that didn't amuse me enough, I saw this huge yellow sign that screamed at me.... It said "LOST CAT!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

The sign didn't actually scream aaaaahhh! but it was most defiantly implied.

In between this sign was a little picture of the lost fur ball.

This would be the time to let you all know that I have an issue with cats. They don't like me and I sure as hell don't like them! I've gotten better over the years to the point where I can be aware that someone has one in their home.... Somewhere.... Just waiting to pounce out like a stealthy ninja who will slice your throat, drop a smoke bomb, flip out through the chimney, and be drinking herbal tea with his ninja buddies as you fall over wondering what the hell just happened. Cats man..... Cats.....

Anyway, fat chance of ever seeing your cat again! Once you lose your cat in Clayton Park, you're fudged dude..... Super fudged!

There's a whole cat cult out here. They're like little British punks, who play chicken when you're driving, and come out at night to sniff catnip before they meet up with the raccoons to raid a dumpster behind the apartment buildings. It's crazy man! Once you lost whiskers, it's over. I'm sorry that you're kid is crying and outside frantically looking for him. But it's over....

If you're kid isn't bright enough, go buy another cat.... If they are, then don't waste your money on a neon billboard saying you lost your cat. That's just stupid! Explain to little Billy that sometimes cats just don't like him and want to go and spray their wizz all over the other cats, then mate All night long.... All night.... All night.... All night long.... All night..... <----( A 1983 hit single for Lionel Richie) They're intent, I've found out from talking to Little Big Hoof, a local deer grazing through a patch of grass on Langbrae, is to create enough ninja cat warriors to take over the planet and fill the Grand Canyon with yarn balls. And don't think they're not planning this either. Cats are up to something... I know it, and now little Billy knows it.

At any rate, while you guys are throwing out signs to retrieve your lost cat, *and BTW - you're lost, cold, hungry, little Mr. Kitty Whiskurz, is having such a wicked time with his new cat clan that he's already forgotten about you. besides, he would only take the first opportunity to leap 64 stories, land on all fours, and run back to the ninja training camp, and tell the other cats about how much he hates you and the little bell you strap around his neck at Christmas.

Sorry for your loss though. You have my deepest sympathies and a big fat reality check :?

Goodnight and safe cat dodging,

Ewey

IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN: Paris Hilton still smells like 'awful'!

2008-10-16T01:33:00.016-04:00

This is a serious message to you folks. Way more serious than clubbing seals or our diminishing ozone layer. Open your ear flaps and say this with me!

Paris Hilton makes me want to murder innocent care bears!

I knew she had a new show, but never had the chance to learn about what it was. That all changed tonight as I watched it against my own free will. Even though I will never get those precious moments of my life back, I learned a valuable lesson. That lesson today, my dear friends, is that you should never let the burning passion to hate someone with every ounce of life you have left in you, fade away.

If you're not aware and aren't a frequent Blogtown follower, then you need to sit down, get a pen and paper, and start taking notes. I promise, you'll live a better life through the wisdom of my articulate passages in the Eweys Blogtown column.

I posted about Paris before and stated, in a roundabout way, that she makes me so angry that I lie underneath my coffee table naked, and cry myself to sleep.

A credible source revealed that her fingers are so long that Harrison Ford asked her to be his whip in the new Indiana Jones movie. Paris had no comment when we asked her if these allegations were true. Between scratching her 'Frenchy's franchise' and trying to stumble her way through a Robert Munch story book for ages 5 through 8, Paris obviously had her plate full.

Her new show is another reality show about finding a new best friend, because her and Nicole Richie aren't friends anymore.

Like, 8 people are sucking the crabs right off of her dark matter telling her how amazing she is, and want nothing more in life than to be her best friend. And at the end of the day, Paris just gives the people she doesn't like, the axe!

Does anyone else see how INSANE this is?!?!?!

One of the people trying to be her best friend actually said in the show tonight... Get this....

"My outfit was totally more grammatically correct for the occasion"

Read that a few times just to let it sink in. It makes absolutely no sense at all!!!! Grammatically correct???

Paris has the education of a Sheepapoodle who just failed it's first class on how to sit.

Her embarrassing attempts to have some sort of worldly knowledge makes me so mad that I want to puck people in the head for no reason and kick away old peoples walking canes!

She has the feet of an Olympic swimmer, hands that E.T. would die for, and a frame that has to be tied down when it's gusty outside.

Paris Hilton, for this time and this time only, it is OK to just quit at life. Give up and go for a long swim. Stay away from everything and everyone. Go back to school and get learned up. Before you know it, you'll be done middle school and you can work towards a high school diploma.

You're debut CD sold about 75 copies, and those we're presents from grandparents who literally hate their Grandchildren. And that's not even a fraction of how many Grandparents hate their Grandchildren in the world.

You know what is really hot? The burning in your mangrove bushes Paris! Gold bond isn't going to get rid of that one hunny. It's gonna take a team of 5 scientists, 2 pressure washers, a plastic surgeon, 3 priests, and a bottle of CLR to rid you of your issues down under.

That is all!

Reporting the truth,

Ewey