New Kids On The Block Have Been Resuscitated

I'm sure we all remember the craze of New Kids On The Block. From here on in it's NKOTB. Some of you may be aware that NKOTB have come back for their victory lap. The sad reality of it all is that there are more people waiting at the finish line with electric paddles and breathing apparatuses then there are fans.

I don't mean any disrespect, and by don't I mean do.... I just believe that when you hit the ripe age of 40, it's time to start planning your division of assets instead of trying to pull the wool over teenagers eyes and make them believe you can run with the young pups.

Or maybe they are just trying to bank a little cashola because they've realized that frivolous embellishments of coke, hookers, and ben-gay can really do a number on the savings account.

At any rate folks, I took the privileged of showing some before and afters of NKOTB. For the record, NKOTB now stands for New Kinds Of Tender Boils.

Check 'em!

Jonathan Knight goes from Lance Bass to......

Being happy to hold stick like objects between his hands?

Jordan Knight started out as a Michael Jackson impersonator to.....

Michael Jackson

Donnie Wahlberg went from cool cat to....

A hard core criminal.... to.....

An aged, balding grampy who turned out to be one hell of an actor in the SAW flicks!

Joey Mac went from boyish hip-hopper to....

Sensitive she-male who loves cream puffs and daisies

Danny Wood went from track mark block head to.....

Just a block head

Christmas Partay 2008 WITH PICS!!!

Well.... We danced, we laughed, we drank, and evidently I was the only one who molested a reindeer. Folks, below are a few pics (Thanks to Nadine) of our Christmas party. As you may or may not be able to tell, I had a few drinks and had a great time! After seeing these, the night all came flooding back to me and I had many "Gawd, I can't believe I did that" moments.

All in all, it was great time and a big thanks to my friends who took care of me and made sure I got into bed safely.

Check it out!

Of course, I had to take a fake wizzle on the hydrant

It's a Ewey sammich with a slice of Nadine and Kirbs



Trina and I talking about religion and politics

Kirbs, Alan, and I lookin good and merry

Andre and Tanja for after dinner drinkies

Nadine and Ashley and a classic Ewey sneak-in

Ah, The boys starting to feel the effects of alcohol

Scored another sneak in on G-Dubbs, Alan, and Guillaume

My first kiss of the night, and it was from Guillaume... Yuck!

As I proceeded to get drunksee, I swiped a reindeer and amused myself for a while

After foreplay, I then made love to little Birchy

All while serving drinks. Now that's multitasking at it's finest!

I have no idea what I'm doing at this point

Now, that's uncalled for. Sometimes I wish friends would just stop me from doing things like this instead of taking pictures of it.....

On the way home, we caught two people in the back of the van making out! Oh, gotta love Christmas time.....

There you have it Folks! One helluva Christmas party that I made the best of! Let's just hope I don't get a pink slip on Monday morning for improper behavior towards a reindeer.....

Merry Christmas,

Ewey

Insane Christmas Snow Sculptures In Our Town

I was taking a little stroll through The Town on a beautiful day and into the evening. In my town we all say 'wassup?' to our neighbors and enjoy our harmonious and fun lives. In our town, we can all make fun of each other and laugh about it, because in all honesty, we're all different and we all can laugh at our uniqueness.

Come this way and I'll take you on a quick tour and show you these insanely ridiculous snow sculptures that are in my neighbors lawns.



Well this is just hilarious! Someone explained to little Billy that even though we're all going to die, it's OK to wither away with a smile and an expression of "Meh, what can you do?"

That's just Franko the deer. He's not actually hungry. I told him to take off the nose and drop it a couple snow ballz down and give Frosty a wang-a-roo.

Naughty Nicole and Rocked-out Rodney created this one. The local nudists who live on Dirty Sex Street. This is all they do on a daily basis.

This is Sadistic Sam's front lawn. It's his rendition of what he wants to happen to Paris Hilton and her new BFF

This is Free-Ballin Bob's sculpture. This is not just any penis folks! This is a penis that Bob sculpted on his neighbors lawn. It was funny to see Old Mrs. Landry's face that morning!

Funny story... I got drunkskee last night and sculpted this in the park. A scenario that may have occurred this past summer.....

This is Old Captain Keggy's. He is actually a real pirate who mugs the the hell out of people on a daily basis, but he's cool as hell so we accept him just the way he is.

This is actually my friend Chris MacLean covered in snow. He looks an awful lot like Batman....

Mary and Jane sculpted this amazing rendition of Zelda. They are all roommates down on the corner who smoke a lot of marijuana and play video games all day. It took a while to get them off the coach to make this....

Eweys Blog Town has it's very own Grinch. A very nice fellow, but had to wizz really really bad. It's perfectly acceptable for him to pee on snowmen only because his pee is green. We all encourage him to do things like this on a regular basis.

Luscious Lucy created this 'Space Invadors Alien" because she's a gamer chick who brought gaming back to it's roots. *w00t w00t"

Stephen King lives in our town and created this masterpiece. Very cool sculpture, but he's a bit of a wank face.

This sculpture was created by my loyal citizens. Before the Town was created, it was infested with Dragons. My first duty as Town Mayor was to slay all the dragons. It was hard work, but someone had to do it. Great attention to detail... Bravo!

These little happy feet penguins we're created by Tiny Timmy and his sister Simple Sarah. Shortly after, the Grinch wizzed on them and we all laughed.

This poor, unsuspecting Picachoo is about to get a monster full from behind. Created by Loco Larry because he hates adorable cartoon characters and wishes bad things for them.


Finally, this is my yard! I keep some of the towns-people employed for it's up-keep, as you can see. We just party in it every night... That's how we roll. Free drinks, free nachos, and dancing polar bears.

This is the inside.....

My Town is just a way cooler place to live!

Ewey

Top 10 No No's While Drinking

Folks! Fact is, the majority of us drink. And most of will be doing that over the Holidays as if it we're a marathon to win eternal life. What I have compiled is a special Top 10 list of No No's that we have to keep in mind while we are partying it up at house parties and the bars.

Pay close attention, write a few of these down and tuck them away in your purse or wallet for future reference, or maybe even a handy pocket guide as you go forth and spread merry to others. Spread merry????........

Anyway, comin' atcha!!!! Top 10



10. Say no to telling everyone you know that you bump into about how much you love them. I'm sure a few of you do this and you know it.... Keep in mind this also mean keeping your arms at your sides and not extending them for huggles and smoochies.

9. Just say no to confessing your love to that person who obviously doesn't feel the same way about you, or that person who is just so far out of your league that you are playing two different sports all together. Much like football compared to blind folded ringette.

8. Even though you may have had enough to drink to make you feel like an unstoppable love machine, it is a no no to grab a woman's fun buns and love jugs, or a mans nifty noodle. Well, most men wouldn't care, but you get the point.

7. If you've gotten to the point where you notice that you are slurring your words a little, it is a complete no no to attempt words such as Judicial, Preliminary, Specificity, and Cinnamon.

6. If you meet someone for the first time and they have a massive growth or boogie on their face, it is a definite no no to break eye contact and let your eyes wander and stare directly at the 'WTF' on their face.

5. If you've thrown up your Doritos, jelly beans, pizza, and your vodka shooters, you must not, in any way, thinks it's alright to go back to the party until your brush twice, and/or gargle 3-6 times with Listerine. Let's face it.... Barf has a nasty hum to it. people notice that shizz man!

4. When you're at the stage of "I know the answer to everything, so let me elaborate to you', for everybody's sake and safety, put your bottle or glass down and then begin with your ridiculous hand waving and gestures. No one likes a drunk spilly talker.

3. If you are one of the less fortunate, and end up taking home the pot bellied bar star from the local watering hole that everyone else you know has already had a few cracks at, it is a no no to go to sleep without setting your cell phone alarm to an early hour in the am. Do not stick around for bacon and eggs. And if you forget where you're at when you're leaving, check their address on their mail, call a cab, and get outta there!!! Huge ups to J-Kurz for that bit of advice :)

2. Obviously, do not drink and drive, but if you are in a car and need to spit your junk, do not wait until the last second. You are not Jack Bauer and you can't miraculously find a way to get the driver to stop, undo your seat belt, unlock the door, and barrel roll to a safe distance of 5 feet, all in under 4.7 seconds.

1. If you are drunk enough to not care about how people may see you, or you are just oblivious to everything else around you, do not think it's OK to scratch yourself in compromising ways or pick pieces of fabric out of tight spaces. Suck it up, go to the washroom, and let loose. Otherwise, everyone else will think you caught the crabs from Paris Hilton and nobody needs a mental image of wedgies. As Cleveland from Family Guy would say.... "That's just nasty!"


There it is y'all ! Enjoy the plate full of No No's as you enjoy your festivities this Christmas. Be safe, have fun, but most of all, have some public decency so you can make fun and laugh at the other people who don't.

Always yours,

Ewey

The Top 10 At Your Office Christmas Party!!!

Picture this...... It's early in the evening, and most everyone has had a drink or two. When over the chattery hum of the people and the cheeeeezeeee band that is playing, you hear a "Check these puppies out!!! Bow-chicka-wow-wooooow!"

That's right, you guessed it.....! Mabel from accounting, who always seemed like a bit of a skank but usually kept quiet and to herself, is in the corner trying to get one of the buss boys to grab her hoo hoo's. It's likely that she started predrinking way before the 'let's get ready to go' stage.

So here it is folks! Oh, and enjoy my selection of drunk people along the way :)

Top 10 Must Do's At Your Office Christmas Party

10. As soon as you get to your office Christmas party, become the best friend of the people who hold the drink tickets. If you missed out on being selected for that position, make sure you know well in advance to do a little ass kissing to score yourself an extra 3-14 drinks.

9. Do your best to scope out the easiest co-worker at the party. She's easy to find. She's been with at least two other co-workers, shook her boobs for her job, picking her up at a bar can be accomplished with little ease, and has grown a beer belly from all of the beer she mooched off of people. Tell her your buddy digs her and she should chat him up because he's too shy. But most importantly, don't tell your buddy you are doing this.

8. Do your best to keep involved with the recent inter-office drama, and do frequent check in's with the separate parties who have 'beef' with each other. Keep a sharp eye to see a potential shove match occur, and if enough booze is involved, you may see a fist fly or scratched cornea from a high heel shoe.

7. When everyone has had enough to drink, start the leg kicking choo-choo train that goes around the room. As soon as at least 5 people have it locked and loaded in place behind you, peel off and leave the train, grab your drink, and then laugh at the fruit cakes dancing around the room like they're socially accepted in the Bahamas.

6. Convince the coworker, who thinks they are under appreciated and underpaid, to ask the boss for a raise immediately after dinner is over and everyone gets up for drinks and merry salutations.

5. Get the band/'DJ shitty' to dedicate "Girls just wanna have fun" to all the laydeez in the house. Sit back, get a beer, and watch to see what creepy guys slither their way into a situation they should be sitting out. Then point out to other people who the pervs are.

4. Find someone who sings to every song the band or DJ plays, but sings like the greased up def guy from Family Guy. Buy them a few drinks and convince them that they should be a rock star and grab the microphone and belt out a tune so everyone can enjoy their riveting and breath taking voice.

3. Set the alarm on your cell phone for 10 minute increments during the after dinner mingling or dance, simply to pretend it's a call. This works in two beneficial ways. Take note: First, It will allow you to turn the alarm off, as if to ignore the call because the person you are talking to is hot or simply important, and they instantly believe that you screened your call and they are special. And everyone just loves to be special. Second, It allows you to pretend there is an urgent matter and can get you out of talking to lame people for an unnecessary amount of time.

2. Try to buy the first round as early as possible. For most of the evening when the bar is busy, your friends have to endure the line up.

1. Whatever you do, bring a camera or make sure the people you go with bring one to capture these moments throughout the night, as they unfold before your very eyes. Get home, and throw all the memories on Facebook for everyone to enjoy.


There it is! A surefire way to solidify an interesting and exciting office Christmas party. Mine is in a week and a half and I can already feel the excitement of poo being flung, volatile projectile vomit, broken tables, and a night of some of the most amazing photo sneak in's one could ever imagine.

Here's to irresponsible people who make the world turn!

Ewey

Politics and Hot Canadian Women

You're probably wondering why there are gorgeous models in bikinis. The real question is, why wouldn't there be?

Here's my issue with our recent political issues.

No matter what decision is made, no matter how small or how big, you simply cannot please everyone.

Canada voted. We dragged our beer drinking, hockey watching asses out to the polls, and we voted.

There was a clear winner! Democracy in it's truest form has taken place.

What happened after that is three losers got together for apple-tinis after their defeat and couldn't bring themselves to terms with Harper shutting them out.... Again.

A Frenchmen who can barely speak English, another one who can only argue against the

Conservative platform and can't defend his own, and a Bobble-Head...... Dear God!

At any rate folks, this whole non-confidence vote being slapped in the Gov Gen's face, (a former separatist) might as well be a big middle finger thrown in every Canadians face. It's like running home to mommy and saying that you think the other kids are stupid and won't let me do what I want. In this case, Duceppe, Layton, and Dion are all holding each others hands for support as they cry to Michaëlle Jean saying "Harper made me feel inadequate and my tummy hurts..."

Taking away what the majority of Canada voted for is basically saying we're too stupid to make our own decisions for what we think is best for us. How democratic is that?

Harper may not please everyone, but he, at the very least, pleased the majority. He may not be the most exciting and have the coolest hair style, but he has his shit together and clearly has more support.

How is the majority of Canada supposed to accept a government that we didn't vote for? Did we just waste 30 million on voting just to witness three poor losers?

I'll leave you with this. The Facebook group supporting the coalition government has 3,615 supporters. The Facebook group against the coalition government has 87,112 supporters.

It's only Facebook, so draw your own conclusion. I for one, believe we all need a drumstick dairy treat to cool out, and then take a step outside of the box and see that what is happening is costly, unfair, time wasting, and it is an insult to every Canadian citizen who voted in this past election.

There's you political update....

Ewey

Paris Hilton Proves Nasty All Over Again!!!

Folks, if I've said it once, I've said it a million times.... Paris Hilton needs to slip down a flood drain and wash away with the rest of our garbage!

After viewing this picture sent to me from Kara (big ups btw) it is quite apparent that Paris is the nastiest, most skanky girl ever created. Well.... I can think of one that out-skanks her, but we don't talk to her anymore ;)

At any rate, peep this and make mental notes!




If we look closely, we can clearly see that Paris has had a door knob implant in her left knee, and a 'holy shizzy ballz, what the fark is that', implanted in her right knee.

If we look even closer, we can find that Paris has stooped to hiding her friends in her vagina, simply to sneak them into the club.

Paris, we can all see the third leg protruding out of your mini skirt. It's like her Vag doubles as a kangaroo pouch. Instead of hiding friends and appliances in there, why not keep the homeless warm this Christmas???? Do something that makes a difference in someone elses life instead of spreading the gift of STD's!

There you have it.... Paris Hilton Proves Nasty All Over Again!!!


Ewey