Baby, All I Want For Christmas Is Ewey! A butt-load of Questions & The Answer!

Glad to see that the numbers are up for Eweys Blog Town, at an all time high! Thank you all for reading, hopefully enjoying, and gaining new perspectives about the reality of the world we live in all the while. Since it's nearing the Christmas season, spread the Blog Town News to a friend, or someone you know who hates Paris Hilton as much as I do!

At any rate, a faithful reader of 'The Town', who after a long and rigorous battle with her computer, finally was able to see the news properly. On my Facebook news feed, I noticed that she posted these questions about herself.... And I'm a sucker for reading these questions and answers, simply to see how hilarious their answers are, or to see how lame their answers are. Like, every answer consists of how amazing their bf or gf are. "I talked last to my amazing bf Rufus" or "My Becky-boops is 'the one'. I love you baby! See you later tonight!"
Seriously people.... Snap out of it! The only people that need to know how embarassing you can be, are the ones you dedicate you soul existance to in your answers.

So keeping with the festive motif, Here are the Christmas questions and my answers.......





1. Getting kissed under the mistletoe or in the snow?
Funny.... I nicknamed my belly button mistletoe..... Wait for it...... There ya go! Anyway, you either run the risk of Old Great Aunt Ethel jumping in and planting a slimy one on the cheek or a potential snotty nose in the snow. It's a snifty/fifty for me.

2. Santa or Rudolph?:
Rudolph - If I ever took him out for a spin in the clouds and we crashed, I could make steaks out of him, and use his detached head as a flashlight or an SOS to Santa when he's out looking for my ass, cursing me for not signing out the reindeer for a test flight.

3. Stocking or presents?:
Prezzies Fo Sho!

4. Egg nog or hot cider?:
We all want the Nog. Everyone does. Hot cider is for snooty floofers and fluffy gumpers.

5. Angel or Star ?:
Angels - Not because I'm a fluffy gumper, but only beacause some Angels are attractive, as far as Angels go.... And then you can use it as a gag at a well drunked Christmas party by lifting up her dress. But really don't do that. God will puck you in head for an unholy attitude.

6. Decorating the tree or putting lights on the outside?
Personally, I like decorating other peoples lawns with their neighbours Christmas lawn decorations. But probably the tree because you get to see the Angel again, after all those months.....

7. Warm fires or sleigh rides?:
Warm fires - No one likes being cold and smelling horse-duds.

8. Expensive presents or presents that come from the heart?:
From the heart because I'm still holding on to hope that someone will knit me a ridiculous Christmas sweater.

9. Snow ball fight or snowman?
Snowman - It's always too hilarious when you drive by a snowman, and the little bastard neighborhood boy (God bless him), took the carrot nose and two pieces of cole and made a different face in a different region on Frosty. On that day, that boy amused 2000 people on their way to work, offended about 30, and made two children cry. That's a good days work by my standards.

10. Will you be getting coal or presents?
Just remember, coal hurts when it gets heaved over the crowd and pucks you in the head.

11. Giving or Receiving presents?
I rather give prezzies. I think I deliver a good mix between a quality/thoughtful prezzie.

12. Open presents quick or slow?
It's all about opening at the same pace every time. It's too easy to tell who the present opener likes the most, by the speed at which they open the present. Think about that people! It can cause potential future issues.

13. Caroling or Christmas stories?
Srories for shizz! Stories can be told through the magic of television picture films, and I love my Christmas picture films.

14. Snowy days or icy days?:
snowy!

15. Red or Green?:
New Color Alert ---> GRED - Pronounced 'Grrr_ed' -> The color in which red and green are intermingled, but keep their true color and do not mix to create the color 'gross'. Resulting in a fantastic new Christmas color.

16. Nightmare before Christmas or The Santa Claus?
If you read the Blog Town news previous to this post, you'll see that I have small issues with both of these movies. A bit too creepy and an overdose of Tim Allen, both of which aren't favorable to me.

17. Dasher or Dancer?:
With names like that, I don't believe I will be chillin with either of those dudes.

18. Prancer or Vixen?:
Seriously.... ???

19. Comet or Cupid?:
Comet uses uppers and Cupid hits on Prancer

20. Donner or Blitzen?:
Donner sounds like a Debbie Downer and Blitzen smokes weed and flies. And flying under the influence isn't cool!

21. Fake tree or Real tree?
Real trees & finding them yourself - Because nothing smells more fulfilling than a whiff of doing your part to clear cut our beautiful forests and mount it like a trophy. No sarcasm there folks.... It truly is a great feeling.

22. Prime Rib or Ham?:
Prime Rib - Because you can always get away with saying you'll have some more Optimus Prime Rib.

23. Red and White Candy Canes or Colorful Candy Canes?:
I don't eat candy canes generally, but red and white seem OK to me.

24. Get up early or sleep in late?:
I'm a reformed sleep in artist - Getting up early always seems more productive.

25. Old Christmas Movies or New ones?:
Old ones are the best by far because there is always that childhood Christmas movie that tugs a string or two.

26. The Santa Claus 1 or The Santa Claus 2?:
Tim Allen is cool and all, but I hate watching his movies where I expect that full out power tool grunt at any moment.

27. The Grinch movie or Elf movie?:
Again, from the previous post, it is clearly stated that The Grinch is number 10 on the charts and Elf rolled its hilarious ass straight to the number 2 spot. This should not even be a question.

28. Scrooge or Tiny Tim?:
At least Scrooge has a personality instead of sugar plums dreams and a bum leg.

29. Ornaments or a Wreath?:
Ornaments - Especially ornaments that were made in elementary school with a 3 pound seashell a huge hook, stabilizer bars, water based paint, and the dream of a small boy believing that the sheer weight of it would never mess with the trees center of gravity.

30. Christmas Eve or Christmas day?:
Jesus unofficially said to us in an interview at the Young St. liquor store "All shall rejoice and get drunksy on thy eve of my birth with pleasures of merlot and eggith noggeth, and onith the following dawn, taketh 1000 Mg's of Tylenol, eateth an apple and slameth down a power drink"



Before Christmas:


1. Does your family send out Christmas cards?:
They sure do

2. How soon do you start shopping?:
About a week before Christmas. I love the challenge of finding the right gift after every store has been cleaned out.

3. Who do you shop for?:
The immediate fam of course.

4. Do you put up a Christmas tree?:
Just doing my part little Billy.....

5. If so, is it fake or real?:
And one day, you'll clear cut a little chipmunks home too, boy


Decorations:


6. Do you like tinsel?
Not unless I like German techno music.... And I don't.....

7. Do you use homemade or store bought ornaments?:
Store bought, and a little mix of homemade.

8. Do you put Christmas lights outside your house?
Sure do - Everyone loves a little festive tackiness

9. Do you put lights on the tree?:
Yup - Sometimes candles like they did in the 1800's. Safe and reliable - That's my philosophy.

10. How about popcorn and cranberries?:
Definitely not together - That's sick!

11. Is there a wreath hanging on your door?:
No, but I have two neighbours that may or may not have gotten their wreaths swapped.

Christmas Eve:


13. Do you hang up your stocking?:
Personally, I like my stocking under the tree.

14. Does your family read "Twas the night before Christmas?":
My other family who lives in the suburbs of 1869 do every year just before we blow out the candles on the tree.

16. Do you open a present on Christmas Eve?
Every year without fail! I shake, smell, and tap every present, and make an educated decision before choosing.


Favourite:


17. Christmas Movie?:
Again, on the list. A Christmas Story is the undefeated champ of Christmas movies.

18. Character from any Christmas Movie:
Father Chuck O'Malley - Played by Bing Crosby - 1945

19. Christmas Song:
Christmas in Killarney

20. Christmas Memory:
Trying to re-decorate a Christmas tree that fell over one year. This particular tree had needles on the branches made from razor blades and pure hell. Erika coordinating the process while Geoff and I wrapped towels around us to evade certain death from the death needles.


This or That :


21. White Lights or Colored Lights?
I don't want to offend anyone - I enjoy all lights equally.

22. Blinking Lights or Still Lights?
Blinking lights annoy me

23. Were you Naughty or Nice this year?:
Always nice.... never fails. Although, I did dip my toes in the naughty sauce a few times... :P


Presents:


24. What do you want for Christmas this year?:
A plane ticket and cash - And maybe a nice bottle of Scotch to drink the cares away (responsibly of course)

25. When do you open your gifts?:
Whenever the 1000 Mg's of Tylenol kicks in

26. What's the best gift you've ever gotten?
My family - I know... Adorable isn't it?

27. What's the worst gift you've ever gotten?:
A funny, discolored itch.... I'm kidding - I'm clean

28. Who gives you the most gifts?
I do, because every time I go shopping for Geoff, I find things to buy for myself.

29. Have you ever had a secret Santa?:
Yes, and she made me a mixed CD of awesome music and bought me a case of Guinness.

33. Do you like wrapping gifts?:
Hate it almost as much as as I hate Paris Hilton. As long as the present is covered by the wrapping paper, in any way, is fine with me.


Random:


34. Do you put change in those red buckets?:
All the time.

35. Do you burn a yule log?:
Not since the 30's.

36. Can you name all the reindeer?:
Sure can! Even with my eyes closed.

37. Do you bake cookies?:
No Sir. I eat cookies that have been baked for me.

38. Have you ever seen your mommy kissing Santa Clause?:
If I did, I'd beat the shizz out of Kringle and ground my mother.

39. Have you ever gotten a kiss under the mistletoe?:
Not in the romantic Christmas way.

41. Do you drive around and look at the Christmas lights?:
That takes away from my drinking time.

42. Have you ever left Santa cookies?:
Sure did. Turns out that Dad ate them.

43. Have you ever sat on Santa's lap?:
Yes, and I tried my best to pee on him, but failed.

44. Who do you celebrate Christmas with?:
Family and friends.

45. Where do you celebrate Christmas?
I celebrate Christmas everywhere I go.

46. Have you ever had a white Christmas?:
Not in a few years, but yes.

47. What part of Christmas do you look most forward to?:
Definitely the suppers and seeing family.

48. Have you ever had your picture taken with Santa?:
Yes. At the exact moment I was trying to force myself to pee on his lap.

49. Does your family always take pictures at Christmas?
Always. Erika is the snap happy queen!

50. What would be a Christmas dream of yours?
To stroll around naked while I open my gifts, shop, and party.... and be accepted as a normal member of the Halifax Regional Municipality.

Hope you all enjoy the Holidays, and thanks to CC for the holiday questions! You're the snizzle in my frizzle!


Always yours,

Ewey

The Jack Attack Is Back! Bauer Can Break Necks With One Leg!

If you know me, you know that I am a 24 fanatic. If you don't know what 24 is, I don't want you to even read my blog anymore...... So 24 is back with another season of shizz your pants thrills and cliff hanger endings!

Kiefer Sutherland is out of jail and back on the air with another exciting season of 24 that seems to be just as fulfilling as every other season. It is very much a show that you need to see from the very beginning to know all of the characters and backgrounds to events.

The best thing about this show is that I got to see the season premier with a good old buddy of mine who use to watch it with us back in the day. I planned on watching it alone with beer and snacks, but I got a message from my good buddy Jay the other day saying we should catch up and watch Jack Bauer kill dozens of people. So I said Hellz Yeah!

Turns out, I could wizz on Jays front door from my place. We hung out, caught up, and saw Jack snap necks with his leg.

Moral of the story...... Watch 24! It's just a better show. Also, make time for those old buddies. Catch up and have a few beer. There is nothing better than surrounding yourself with good people and Jack Bauer.

At any rate, if you're going to try to get into the show... Good luck. You're almost screwed unless you've got the gist from previous seasons. My advice..... Rent the first few seasons and watch them throughout the week. You won't be disappointed!

Best show on the tele, by far!


Reporting the cool things in life,

Ewey

Eweys TOP 10 Christmas Classics!!!

Check it out Yo'!


Since I just had this discussion tonight, I feel the need to share with you all, my top picks for best Christmas movies that I need to see every Christmas or else I get, what scientists like to call the "I Just Got Hozed By My Television" syndrome."

How was that for a run-on sentence????

In the case that CBC won't air one of my TOP 10, I hate to say it too, but I just may write a letter. I know...... A letter! I may even write George Stroumboulopoulos and maybe even Peter Mansbridge if I feel feisty enough. And if they agree with me about these movies, they should give me props for selecting the best Christmas movies of all time. Picture that folks.... The Legend, Peter Mansbridge, giving me a shout out on The National! "And we end our programme tonight friends, with 'Big Ups to Ewey from Eweys Blog Town, for suggesting these amazing TOP 10 Christmas movies. This young man has made Christmas just a little more cheery this year...."

And for you Strombo
.... You're just a cool dude with a cool show bro. Keep up the good work!

At any rate folks, here it comes..... Eweys


OOOOPS! How'd that get there??? Now.... Isn't this awkward......


*Ahem!!* ....... EweysThere we go..... listen up CBC!

10. How The Grinch Stole Christmas
Because we all appreciate and chuckle over his mischevious ways

9. One Magic Christmas
Because Gideon The Angel actually drove a 1980 Thunderbird

8. Mickey's A Christmas Carol
Because old Scrooge McDuck had a conscience after all. And it turned out that Tiny Tim just had athletes foot but still lost his leg. Evidently, penicillin was discovered a few days later..... Poor lil' Timmy

7. Scrooged
Lets face it..... Bill Murray was on some pretty hilarious drugs at the time

6. Home Alone
Very exciting childhood movie that made it alright for kids to booby trap their homes. Is that MJ in the background???? Weird....

5. A Christmas Carol (Black & White)
Only because it proves that film did exist in the mesozoic era

4. Any Bing Crosby Christmas Movie
Bing is simply a man that every other man wishes they could be. Look at that mug shot... What a lush! But the coolest lush of them all

3. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Clark Griswold's day dream of the hot chick diving into and coming out of the pool. Need I say more??? That's what I thought!

2. Elf
Will Farrell shines as Buddy the Elf! Far fetched, but a gut buster nonetheless!

1. A Christmas Story
Because this scene was priceless! Also because we all said the same thing when Ralphie kicked the snot out of that ugly ginger kid with the Davey Crockett raccoon hat. "Good on 'em! He was a little prick anyway"


Close runners up we're The Santa Clause *Too much Tim Allen*, Charlie Brown's Christmas *Too anti-climactic*, The Nightmare Before Christmas *Way too creepy but great animation*, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Claymation version *That little blond haired aspiring dentist gives me the cold shivers. I picture what the guy doing the voice over for that character looks like while he does that voice. And that to me friends, is just unsettling.....*

Thank you for joining us here at The Blog Town!


Goodnight and travel light!

Like Sand Through The Hour Glass, So Is Nubodys?

Have you been to the gym lately? Probably not, and I understand why!

If exhausting yourself three days a week wasn't awesome enough, you also get to hang out in the same big room with people who exert every effort to try not to wave their arms frantically and scream "LOOK AT ME YA'LL!!!! OVER HERE!!!"

I joined the gym a few weeks back and am feeling pretty good about myself. I'm going in there, truffle shuffelin to my Ipod, and keeping to myself as I do my lifty lifts and pushy pushes.

Folks, I can't help but notice that there is structural damage to the facility due to the massive egos that fill the room.

Here's the people I've noticed so far:

The classic meat head who get's his big brother (the volunteer kind) to drop him off at the gym for 14 hours because there is nothing else in life he can complete from start to finish. Even counting their repetitions can prove to be difficult for these individuals.

The Cover Girl, who just got off of a circus photo shoot, sitting her unitard self on the very front elliptical machine, giving everyone Zoolanders "Blue Steel" look. But serves the pretty chicks a slight hint of bitch.

The Perfect 10 is the girl who has the nicest ass you've ever seen, the perkiest everything everywhere, all over herself. You'll notice that there will be at least 8 guys following her around the gym, and small scuffles break out when she hits the treadmill. You'd swear they were playing a game of musical treadmills.

The Sneaky Perve is the guy who obviously hasn't touched a weight ever in life, but simply just creeps around the gym, getting close enough to hot chicks that he can get a wiff of their lady speedstick, and then creep off somewhere else. He sits at machines, pretends to stretch, but he is really planning his next perv attack.

Hulk Hogan is the guy who seems to have extreme difficulty keeping quiet. This guy lifts a fairly impressive stack of weights, looks as if his head is about to explode-aroony because of the biggest poop in history, drops the whole stack so everyone hears, as he shakes it off and grunts like a bull in heat.

The Yoga Yoda is the lady who actually looks like Yoda.... Dead serious people..... It's not even really funny. It's kinda sad that she looks like a muppet :( Every day with a different 2 piece matching outfit. This 48 year old lady will use a machine for45 seconds as she looks around and scopes out the biggest group of men, then decides to break out some Yoga/ballet with a twist of unbalanced drunkiness right between them all. Her spandex.... too tight! How obvious it is that she needs more attention than a child raised on crack pancakes.... Extremely! How much I want to see her put her back out and admit "An alcoholic, I am"...... More than you'll ever know!!!

You get my drift here people.... This place truly cracks me up! I'd actually pay the yearly fee just to be able to enter this whole new planet with a new species of people just to watch them trying their little hearts out to be the most popular and sexiest mamma jamma at the gym.

If you read this and realize that you are one of these people, well..... You're a loser. Strongly consider making a drastic life change of some sort. Unless you're the Perfect 10. You can call me :P

Until next time,

Ewey

Do You Have A Face-Bully? Top Ten To Follow

So it is written,

Jesus said, "Let there be Facebook!" And made it so....

....So we all got bitch slapped by the internet and signed up for a Facebook account.

Here's my predicament at the moment with Facebook. It's nothing against Facebook, but it's against someone I kinda knew 'back in the day, bye'.... Never hung out with this person

The reality of it all, and I guarantee that each and every one of you with a Facebook account knows this, is that you add someone that you never really thought much of, and they only added you because their own Facebook wall shows that you were a 'Faceclump Addy' ----> I'll explain that one in a minute.

At any rate Folks, I kept noticing these updates on this person fairly often on the Facebook News Feed. It got to me enough that I had to investigate it a little further. Yeah, I totally pulled a successful Facecreep on this poor soul, but purely to find ways of proving that this person is a complete liar about everything in their life. It actually turned into a soap opera for me and I found myself frequently keeping myself updated on their complete asinine stories. Just wishing more than anything in this ridiculous world that someone else is picking up on these fairy tales and wants to blurt out on their Facebook Wall, that I just made them a fresh pot of 'Liar stew!!!!!' And we used freshly diced 'Big Fat Liar peppers!!!!!' Sauteed in a sweet, but tangy 'You lie so much that you need to get off of Facebook and see a therapist almond oil sauce!!!!!!!!!!'

I know I probably won't, but I am tempted to Facebully this character. And I am 95% sure I will get nothing but support from people. I know Facebullying isn't right, but let's face it..... Some people just need to be put in their place :<> Including bonus material!!!



10. Facebully - One who picks on someone else's integrity and authenticity, via their Facebook Wall, so everyone can laugh at them and so they can be taught a harsh, but very real, life lesson.

9. Facecreep - One who frequently rummages through someone else's Facebook page to keep abnormal 'real time updates' on the status of their life. Also connected to Faceperve - People who say "I like it when you Facecreep me", and then proceed to send an eye winking emoticon, followed by a smoking gun emoticon.

8. Facef*ck - More frequently known as F*#k face, in the noncyber world.

7. Facerape - One who abuses the privileges of Internet, resulting in an overactive useage of popular websites such as Facebook. These individuals seem to 'get-off' in the delight of commenting on aaaaaabsolutely everyones Facebook wall & posted pictures.

6. Facechase - Similar to the popular, over used and out of date phrase 'phone tag', Facechase is when two friends have a long and exhausted conversation on each others walls so EVERYONE else can see.

5. Facedrama - When friends are making a big deal over insignificant, yet seemingly important personal issues, over Facebook. The more people involved, the juicier these Facedramas can become.

4. Facefreak - One who adds every single add-on program to their Facebook page so it takes someone else 3 years to scroll to the bottom. Statistics show that 95.7% of people don't actually click on these programs, to know more about you.

3. Faceslut - One who posts an excessive number of photos of themselves in promiscuous/provocative positions, starving for people to add comments such as "Wow! You look soooo hot on that leopard print rug"or "Lookin' goooood *wink wink*"

2. Faceplanter - One who consistently drops messages to their potential love interests stating the aforementioned statement but then add "So, wanna get together this weekend for a drink?"

1. Facequoter - One who spreads the word to others using a direct statement that is written in a third parties Facebook status. Example: "Tiffany won't sleep with you dude.... She's 'seeing her favorite guy... *wink wink*' in T-2 days'..... According to her Faceslut status"



Happy and safe Facebooking people!

Ewey

Obama-Rama!!! Change is Good

Barrack Obama is the reigning champion! If you haven't been following the United States of America's elections, shame on you!

I won't get too much into political talk for your sake. It's one thing to talk politics, it's another to watch en exciting election on the tele.

Obama has really made a statement that has given hope, a plan for change, and a rejuvenated spirit to so many Americans. In a time where the world is in it's worst state, Americans want someone who can lead them into a better future. Under a roof that will keep them safe from the elements, walls that will keep them warm from the cold, and a front door that welcomes them outside to see a brighter day. Barrack Obama - Change is in your able hands.

What I found most intriguing, is the mixture of race, religion, and the point driven home that it isn't just a defining moment in history for African Americans, but a defining moment for all Americans. In my opinion, it feels more like a victory for blacks and whites.

Countless times throughout the victory speech, I saw so many white and black people crying together, laughing together, singing together, dancing together, and looking at each other, together, as Americans. I guess the beauty of it all is that they did this together! No barriers, no walls. Just people for a brighter, more peaceful future. People coming together to support a man who has enough guts & gusto to try and change an America that needs it more than anything else.

Good luck America, you're going to need it! But be grateful that you have a leader who has a clue.

I guess Change can be a good thing......




Ewey

No more Nice, Cool, Refreshing, Cigarettes :(

I was always the first to say "Let's all enjoy and nice, cool, refreshing, cigarette." Now, it seems that those days are over and fresh air will rule my lungs.

For you all, I have charted my first day of non-smoking, complete with times and moods. And throughout this whole ordeal, I am astonished and partially sickened over how my mood can change from severe depression to the Incredible Hulk, in a matter of minutes.

My first day, I tried to go 'cold turkey.' I then realized that doing so had only made me the crankiest SOB, this side of the old water tower. I then proceeded to only have a smoke when I absolutely needed one. At the most, I had about 4 or 5 a day. But tomorrow, I feel that I am strong enough to not have any.

So, check out my mood calendar below and believe me, I am quite serious about the mood that follows the time. No joke to be had here folks! These are actual mood swings at their finest!

Enjoy!

Ewey


9:30 - Driving to work, feeling pretty confident about not having a smoke.
9:35 - Grab my morning Tim Horton's large double double
9:36 - Wishing I had a smoke to go with my coffee
9:37 - Contemplating going to buy a pack
9:39 - Rubbing my four o clock shadow, hoping that that will take the craving away
9:42 - Rubbing my face is not working
10:00 - Realizing that I am a weak man and all I can do is whisper 'Fu*k' to anything that gets in my way
10:49 - My hands are shaking, more than normal.
10:51 - I want to hit things for no reason
11:33 - I'm actually somewhat calm and clear headed at this point. I'm gonna make it after all!
11:48 - I want to physically harm people for absolutely no reason
12:30 - I've chewed 3 pens to the point of no return
12:54 - I've eaten lunch and really want the after lunch smoke more than anything in the world
2:32 - I'm calm again and feel like I CAN do this
2:47 - I'm weeping in my office with the door locked
3:22 - I hate everyone
4:13 - This emotional roller coaster has me thinking I need psychiatric help
4:34 - Cravings aren't as bad now. I think I'll be alright.... Right?