Ewey's Blog Town

An Express Message From Earth

Enclosed is some extra money for the trip to get this to Matthew.....

Hey Matt,

I'm glad you received this message. It cost me like 8 bajillion dollars to make sure it made it safe. Luckily Fed Ex had a special on for messages directly to you.

I got the news this morning man. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you!

I know it's been a month or so since we last talked. I guess as we grow up, it does get hectic and harder to see each other.

All I've been doing today is remembering our lives together as we grew up.

Hey! Do you remember the time that You, Geoff, and I went to that completely insane/awesome toy store and Grandma bought us plastic swords and ninja jammy jams? We all practiced our super power ninja capabilities! Sadly, I was the smallest ninja so I took the brunt of the battle. Grandma said boys will be boys and Grandad said don't put any holes in my walls! But I'm sure he really didn't mind us horsing around.

It rained today Matt. It rained for you.

I decided to pull over by an old baseball field that Geoff and I use to play on. Mostly because it gave me fond memories of being a kid and being happy and care free. Everyone needs a happy place.

At any rate, I just sat there on the bleachers and thought about you. I thought about our family and how many people are hurting inside.

It's kind of funny how people associate rain with sadness. That's what I did. I felt every little drop of sadness that fell from the clouds onto the back of my neck. I told myself it was raining for you.

I got back in my car and turned my wipers on and drove for a little bit. Not long after that, I saw the sun from behind the clouds. I figured you found a new happy place. I'm glad you did. When I got out of my car, the warm sun on my face made me feel better because I knew you were there.

Much like the rain feeds the flowers and the sun helps them grow, you have loved, you have helped us grow.

Even though I won't be seeing you just yet, you should know that all of our hearts are bigger because of you. The love you gave as a son, a grandson, a brother, an uncle, a cousin, a friend, will always keep our hearts healthy and strong.

Matt, I just wanted to wish you well and tell you we are all thinking of you!

Oh, and check the envelope again. I put in an extra 5 for a beer on me!

Love your little cousin,

Christopher

Orchid Vaginas, Dirty Moustache Rides, And Green Beer

Well, this is what happens when you take a small sabbatical from your blog.....

I apologize folks! As of late I've been keeping busy with extra curricular activities. I did a little Sunday shopping today. Sorry if you don't agree with it. I didn't at first, but man.... It REALLY is much more convenient for me to shop Sunday!

Anyhoo, after a visit to my friends in a small little Celtic shop in Spring Garden Place, I found myself in the middle of a Orchid Convention!!! Not that I really knew anything about orchids, nor had any previous desire to know more about a specific plant or flower. What I did find out is that these people take orchid growing so seriously and to the extreme, it should be an extreme sport.

Among seeing some of the most amazing and unfathomable orchid growing talent this side of the old bell tower, I got a floor seat to see which growers had beef with the other growers. Some people were pointed out to me, and were said to have 'no eye for a good orchid' AND 'her arrangements make me want to drop my petals.' Whatever that meant :?

I could feel the tension in the room.... It was like being in a staring crossfire between the crips and the bloods!

I moved on to another station with a wonderful arrangement. The lady viewing the orchids along side of me could have easily have been my Grandmother, then proceeded to explaine to me in detail how an orchid is like a vagina.

Yes, it's true! A thin lipped Va-J J....

OK.... Maybe I can see where she is coming from, but explain this one below!

I don't know whether to pee in the sac and flush or pull away for fear of a dirty Mexican moustache ride....

At any rate, enough about orchids!

St Paddy's Day is soon here and I dare say there will be some doozie pics of the event! So save your energy folks, and I hope you all have a green beer or more!

CHEERS!!!!

Ewey

A Thrillemic Weekend!!!

I've had one helluva weekend folks! It started off with a screening of 1992's "Army of Darkness".

Hosted by local film fanatics Jason Eisener, Mark Palermo, Stephen Cooke, Zach Tovey, John Davies, Rob Cotterill at the Empire 6 Cinema in Dartmouth. <----Directly copied and pasted from their Facebook page, which you should check out people!!!!! Search for "The Thrillema"..... People, if you love classic movies, outrageous movies, and even slightly sadistic movies, you must join this group! As a matter of fact, the next movie to be showing is Robocop!!!! Yes, I did say it.... Robocop!!!! These guys are doing amazing work to bring back so many of our favorite movies back to the big screen and packing the theater with people who could not be more excited to watch these classics. Accomplished individuals themselves, they seem to be striking a rock note with everyone because of their movie choices... Which I'm sure can not be an easy decision. Their Mission You Ask? It is as follows: "Our mission is to bring together the Halifax/Dartmouth film watching community to gather and watch 35mm prints of some of our favorite movies." <--- Again, directly copied and pasted from the Facebook Group. Damn fine mission boys! Check it again guys ---> 'The Thrillema' on Facebook!

AND THEN..... took off to PEI on Friday evening for a random adventure with some great friends. I refuse to post pictures because it started out by dry humping the giant blueberry in Oxford. Folks, it didn't get any prettier from there.....

AND THEN..... I had the Monday off, so Good Old Zwickster and I went shopping for a new home theater, Eff you all up in your face, system.... Pretty bad ass series. I hope you and Amy love it!

AND THEN..... 24 <----The best show on earth!!! I end it here because I will be preparing a post on how much you smell like Vienna Sausage if you don't watch 24. Take a hint... Watch 24

5 Ewey points to the following people for this weekend: Jason, Megan, Zwick, Amy, Jamie, Jennie, Keith, Tom, Rob, Titty-Tat, and the crew from The Thrillema!

Once you have earned 30 Ewey points, you may redeem them for a drunk night with me!
Not refundable for cash, only Canadian Tire money. Valid only in Halifax because anything outside of it, I consider venturing. I don't like to venture.

Mostly yours,

Ewey

Frank Magazine.... Is It Worth Stealing?

Everyday I make it to a gas station or somewhere that has Frank Magazine stand. And everyday I read the cover from a safe distance for fear of someone ridiculing me for touching it. I've heard some nasty reviews from people that have been personally offended from a previous issue. But I also am taunted by it for the hilarity I sometimes see on the cover.

Mostly because I see Steve Murphy from the CTV News on the cover, grinning at me from week to week. I still have to investigate this matter, but it does seem like Good Ole' Steve has struck a chord with Frank. For some reason, I get the feeling it's for a non-favorable reason.

I read the first few chapters of Steve Murphy's book 'Before The Cameras", while at some sort of party. In hindsight, the party must have been pretty damn craptacular to read a book.....

At any rate, I've been tempted to take one off of the shelf and slide it into my back pocket, while no one is looking, to give it a good read. Yes, I frequently steal items that have a value of less than 3 dollars.

The only reason I am tempted by this bright covered, flimsy paged magazine is because from time to time, I burst out in laughter in a line-up and have to try and explain what made me laugh hard enough to warrant a shamWOW urine cleanup.

Someone once told me I should write for Frank Magazine, but at that time I wasn't sure if it was an insult or a compliment.

So, tomorrow morning when I go to grab my morning coffee and pack of three troj

an condoms that I hide in random places I go throughout the course of my day, I will be stealing a Frank Magazine to see what is actually behind the cover. I urge you all to steal one as well, and let me know your thoughts. I also urge you to buy condoms and hide them in funny places. A friends top right desk drawer, throw one in the back seat of your buddies car so his girlfriend can find it later, or even just throw a thumb tack through one and stick it to someones ceiling. Maybe someday it will get lost in the shuffle, after being found, be used, and then you can congratulate someone on their unsuspecting pregnancy.

I apologize to some of you for going behind your backs and reading this magazine you loathe, but curiosity is something I thrive on and I must know the truth for myself!

Expect a follow up post to "Frank Magazine.... Is It Worth Stealing?"

Until next post,

Ewey

ShamWOW!!! That Magic Bullet Is As Fast As Tony Little's Gazelle!!!

OK, check it out folks!

You haven't lived until you've seen the hilarity of some of these famous infomercial products!!! I pee a little sometimes because I laugh so hard. Some of the acting is so unbelievably absurd and theatrical, it actually makes the product more appealing because you can easily tell that the product is brighter than the acting.

At any rate, check out these pieces of hilarity. The last few I added their online description just for a larffle.

Comin' at ya!

Gotta love the Tobi Steamer! For the people who would rather move their arm up and down to get the wrinkles out instead of side to side....

The Thy Master is by far a classic. Because of this infomercial and Suzanne Somers, I realized at the ripe age of 4 that only a beautiful woman could make me feel this happy down in the rattle snake den. What a woman! Even at her actual age of 76, she is still a knock-out

ShamWOW! This guy is hilarious! For a little weazel, he does a good job. ShamWOW has made it into my regular vocabulary now. "Dude, I shamwowed dog sh*t all over his windshield" or "No way?! ShamWOW'd in the face?!?!"

I'm glad that Tony Little survived his insane accident and all, but if Tony flexed any harder for this 'Gazelle' photo opp, he'd shoot out his lower intestine across the room like it was silly string

Every time I see the Magic Bullet infomercial, I always watch it! Somehow, it amazes me every single time. Best part is, I got one for Christmas and I LOVE it!!! I'm gonna Magic Bullet the ShamWOW out of everything conceivable.

This is the 'Back 2 Life' product. Now it's time to get back to reality. I refuse to use something on my painful back that looks like something you sling your gremlin case over on a 4am drunken escapade with Sue Johanson (Sex with Sue), only because she promises you'll love how it feels..... As she snaps tight, a rubber glove. The pillow is simply for recovery afterward....

"The Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet ® is a special "Miracle Juice" that has been scientifically formulated, so that in just 48 hours you will cleanse your body and lose up to 10 pounds! The Hollywood Diet was created to give your internal body a "vacation" by washing away unhealthy toxins and fat,..."

That's just hilarity in itself... What exactly is this "Miracle Juice" you speak of?

Invisilift
"InvisiLifts allow you to wear prettier, less supportive bras and will keep the nipple from pointing downward."

Because no one likes a saggy nip.... Could you imagine picking up the girl at the bar wearing this product? Could you imagine the look on the poor guys face when high beams switch to low beams? This world is not right.... NOT RIGHT!

Rio Laser Hair Removal
"The Rio Laser Hair Removal Systems are designed for home use. You can now enjoy the benefits of permanent hair reduction without paying for expensive salon treatments."

Just to prove my point EVEN MORE!!!! For all you know, you could be dating a woman, who by all rights, should be proud of the beard she can grow.... It's bad when the wifey can pull off the Tom Selleck stache better than you can...

HD Vision WrapArounds™

"HD Vision technology gives you clarity that you have never experienced

Enhance your vision
Just like High Definition TV
Lightweight & durable
Modern European Style"

Are you flippin kidding me?!?! Do you think we're ALL 95 year olds, that collapse and convulse at the very contact with natural sunlight? "One second dear, let me put on my high definition sun glasses" And Modern European Style???? That's right Bucko! You're the hippest cat at the bingo hall showing Gladys how fast you can dab your called numbers with your revolutionary HD sunglasses....

That's it folks! If you peed a little as well, ShamWOW it up!

Ewey

Eweys New Years Drunken Downhill Spiral - Complete With Pics!!!

I don't know about the rest of you, but 2008 in my books was one helluva craptacular year. The technical meaning of craptacular is 'wow, i'd rather scoop my eyes out with a spoon'

But I won't let that get me down. No, not this year! I am set up nicely for a great year, I do believe. I feel great, I'm working out, I am rid of the greedy and mean spirited ex's, and I have surrounded myself with great friends and family. On top of that, I am taking steps in right directions. Isn't that what life is all about folks?

I hope all of you had a great New Years and wish you all the very best in 2009!

Here are some pics of my demise, in order to the best of my knowledge, throughout the New Years bash at Geoff and Jennie's place!

I look pretty respectable at the start of the night, don't I?

A little group shot of Jennie, Geoff, Sonya and I

Geoff and I about to throw some darts

1 maybe 2 sneak in's in one photo!

I found a hat! Notice how we all look like we're about to walk into the hall of shame

Let the shame begin with a set of handcuffs and rhumskees

Still in cuffs, now on Roxy's bed.... Maybe that's where I belong...? Yes? No?

Apparently, this maneuver is supposed to seduce women. It worked!

Found a different hat and a karaoke machine! Time for Camille and I to double team Brittany and hit her one more time

"Oops, I did it again"

"Killin' me noooow"

Still in cuffs? Jebus! I'm pretty sure Geoff and I we're trying to bust a rhyme, and this is where I clued in to the severity of my 'whiteyness'

This is where shame set in. Roxy was embarrassed of me too, but her only advice was to go woof myself

The next morning Sonya decided to dress me up, or maybe I was still drunk. Either way, I'm wearing unacceptable outerwear

And to finish it all off in true New Scotland fashion, I head out to help Geoff shovel snow, hung over, ashamed, but knowing full well that I can't help it

I would like to personally thank Marcia for not publishing the picture of my fun dog that I accidentally took on her camera. Also, big ups to Geoff and Jennie for a great New Years bash and to everyone who attended who made me laugh all night long!

Happy 2009 everyone!

Stay tuned for hilarious infomercial products that keep us amused!

Signing off,

Ewey

New Kids On The Block Have Been Resuscitated

I'm sure we all remember the craze of New Kids On The Block. From here on in it's NKOTB. Some of you may be aware that NKOTB have come back for their victory lap. The sad reality of it all is that there are more people waiting at the finish line with electric paddles and breathing apparatuses then there are fans.

I don't mean any disrespect, and by don't I mean do.... I just believe that when you hit the ripe age of 40, it's time to start planning your division of assets instead of trying to pull the wool over teenagers eyes and make them believe you can run with the young pups.

Or maybe they are just trying to bank a little cashola because they've realized that frivolous embellishments of coke, hookers, and ben-gay can really do a number on the savings account.

At any rate folks, I took the privileged of showing some before and afters of NKOTB. For the record, NKOTB now stands for New Kinds Of Tender Boils.

Check 'em!